Thanksgiving

I actually lost weight this Thanksgiving. That's kind of impressive if I do say so myself. It helps that the rest of my family were equally committed to keeping this holiday healthy. We kept the food under control, and some of the food that would normally be a large calorie temptation for me didn't taste as good this year as in the past, which made me feel ok about not eating as much as I had in the past.
So now, I'm in the same position as last year. I want to lose another 10 pounds before the end of the year, and I only have one month to do so. And it isn't going to be as easy this year because it isn't going to just be a matter of doing 30 minutes of WiiFit every day. I'm going to have to step up my game. And that means going to the gym. That means being willing to spend some of my free time doing something other than watching tv. And it's time to make that change. I have found in the past that more I limit my tv, the better I feel, the better I do.
I use TV and food as an escape mechanism. I've been working at not using food to escape, and I need to stop using tv do so. They are so tied together I have to defeat both to succeed at either. I need to stop defeating myself. So I'm going through my fridge and cupboards and cleansing it from any of the bad habits which I have accrued. I'm going to go through and buy the proper foods and create a menu. And I'm going to set up an exercise plan. Because I will lose another 10 pounds by the end of the year. I will I will I will.

Start weight: 244.4
Goal weight 235

This week in "how not to diet"

Ok. So my average day this week was 12.5 hours. And I ate three breakfasts at McDonald's, a dinner at McDonald's, one dinner at Pizza Hut, one lunch at a diner, and one lunch at a French Bakery. Not exactly healthy eating. And I didn't make great choices at these places. So I'm up from the previous week, but down from this last weekend.

Today I went shopping at Sprouts to buy some healthy lunch and snack options. I'm going to cook up a couple of dinners that will reheat well so that I have some options at my fingers. I'm hoping to get to go for a run today.

Unfortunately, I'm so angry and frustrated with my job, that instead of relaxing and moving forward, I'm just thinking about how much I want a different life. This is when I've always escaped into food. It's hard not to give in.

after the weekend

Ok, I know that I didn't eat well this weekend. I had snacks galore on Saturday plus pizza, and chicken, which I probably should have skipped. Sunday, I had White Chocolate pancakes for breakfast, a third of a chicken bake for lunch and then waaay too much roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, butternut squash and honey dew for dinner.
But really?!? 5 lbs gained in two days!! It is absolutely ridiculous that it takes me a MONTH to lose 5 dollars and a DAY to gain them back.

Blurg.

Starting now!

Ok, so yesterday I was going to start really focusing in to lose the last 10 pounds. But then my roommate and I went out to dinner at an awesome Irish pub where I had an Irish Cider and and Rashers and Cheese Boxti. And it was AWESOME! Waaaay too many calories but worth every one.
There was an Irish rock band, awesome Halloween costumes every where, including two in Sesame Street Alien costumes, which made me super happy. Then my roommie and I walked to the beach. It was relaxing, exactly what I needed to help me feel better about this lonely weekend.
Not quite the same as getting to hang out in LA, but still, it was pretty great.

But not for my diet. So I start today. I'm going to go grocery shopping and cook up healthy meals for the week. I will do this!

Two months left

I have two months left to lost 10 pounds. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

kfc... again

I don't know what it is about that place. I don't even like thighs and wings, and yet I ate them any way. And mashed potatoes. And gravy. And a coke, because hey, I'm already splurging. I'm so upset with myself. I'm way over my calorie count for the day and I haven't even hit dinner time yet. Not to mention the sodium intake. I'm going to be back up. I'm so afraid I'm going to see that stupid 250 again. And if that's true, then I have nobody to blame but myself.

Tomorrow is another pro-act class. They are getting Mexican delivered, and they were teasing me because I said that I was going to bring food in instead, pressuring me to just get a taco. It's hard when people are saying "you look great, you should let yourself have a treat." But that's not what I'm here for. I'm trying to lose weight, not just to look better but to be healthy. And trust me, I do not feel healthy after that damn fried chicken. It wasn't even worth it. If I was going to splurge so bad, I should have at least made it worth it.

The Gym!

Today I finally made it to the gym in the apartment complex, and it was just fine. I got on the elliptical and did 24 minutes of good strong cardio. I was sweating so I felt good about it. I had a little too much at lunch, so I made sure to eat a little less at dinner, which might back fire when I wake up at 3 am starving. And I had a carb with sodium (popcorn with sprinkle cheese) rather than protein, and I know better. But I was looking for a comfort food. What I really wanted was soup, and since I ended up eating sodium any way, I should have just done it. Then I would have been a bit more satisfied.

If I want to finish this out, if I want to get down to 235 by the end of this year, I need a meal plan, but more than that, I need to start preparing my meals ahead of time. I'm trying to get motivated by finding awesome new recipes. I found one for pumpkin soup that I'm dying to try. I think it would just be a lot easier if I had someone to try it with me. But I can't let the fact that I'm lonely keep me from succeeding. I need to do this. I can't let myself fail at this. I'm doing this for me. I need to keep this in mind.

I'm doing this for me.

50 lbs!!

I did it! I finally did it. I finally lost 50 lbs. I teared up while I was standing on that scale. I've never been more excited about an accomplishment. It might have taken me two years, but damn it, I lost 50 lbs! And I'm not stopping here. I'm no where near done. I have at least 70 lbs to go. But right now, I'm just going to enjoy my celebration. With out food :D

unexpected inspiriation

This weekend, I went out with some amazing girls and tried on bride's maids' dresses. I was measured for the first time in a very long time. My measurements are still a bit scary, but I was a solid size 20, which was nice. They had all of the dresses except one in my size, and while some of them were a bit scary, others were gorgeous.

On top of that, I put a picture of us girls in the dress and my friends have been VERY supportive of me and how I look in it. And I wasn't expecting that. It makes me feel amazing. That and the fact that I was back down to 244, that I'm close, oh so close, and if I can just be good, watch what I eat and find some time to exercise, then this could be the month that I FINALLY lose 50 lbs.

Whole wheat bagel thins and tuna are my new special meal. The whole can of tuna and one bagel thin is a total of 210 calories. And 25 g. of protein. I just have to watch the salt that I usually eat with tuna, and find some other seasoning instead.

Roller Coaster

Two days ago I had a really good day... and got up to 248.4. I felt so defeated. But I went for another good day yesterday and I was down to 246.8. So at least that's something. I also slept for about 10 hours last night, which felt amazing.
I can do this. I can be better. I can make the right decisions. I just have to let myself be hungry sometimes and not give into the binge.

End of the month

WHAT? I know it's the 11th, but it's been a month from when I started keeping track of my daily weight on my chart, as well as my meals and exercise. And all told, I've lost 5.4 lbs this month. That's not ideal, but it's also 5 lbs that I've lost. And right now I'm a bit bloated, so it's probably more than that. But I'll just let that mean that I'm going to lose even more next month.

Since I lost 5 lbs this month, my goal is to lost 10 lbs next month. I've done it before and I can do it again. I'm working on creating menus for my day so that I know what I'm going to eat rather than trying to decide in the moment. I'm also cutting out the following for the month:
Soda
Fast Food
Juice

And cutting back on:
Desserts
Chips
Coffee drinks

Thank God it's tea weather. I can drink that with some honey instead of having ice cream for dessert.

10 lbs in one month. There is NO reason I shouldn't be able to achieve this goal!!

off the wagon

On Saturday I weighed in and I was up. On Sunday I was up further, and I ate more than I should out of frustration, which means I was up even more this morning. Which means I ate more today. It's a stupid cycle. It's so unfair that it is so hard to lose it but so easy to gain it.
I should have cut myself a little slack though. This weekend I was soo stressed, got very little sleep, and I'm about to start my menses. Of course I gained weight. But instead of keeping on track, I went off the rails just a little bit. Not bad, but enough that I'm sure I'll be up just a little bit more in the morning.
If I ever see 250 again, I'm going to cry. I was back up to 247 this morning. I was ready to just give up and walk away, walk right back to greasy, salty foods. And bread. But tomorrow is a brand new day and I feel like I can't let myself just give up. I've come so far, and while yes it is hard, and yes it is taking me forever, I can't just stop now.
It's time to kick it into high gear and see what I can accomplish. For the rest of this week I need a food plan and an exercise plan, and I need to stick to it. Can I do it. We'll see...
I've adjusted my "lose it" plan to aim for losing 2 lbs a week. This way I won't feel bad when I'm so far down on the calorie scale. That was ridiculous to try to eat almost 2000 calories a day. How am I supposed to lose weight that way? So now I am aiming for fewer calories, and I'm not adding in my exercise anymore. The point of exercise is to use the calories I've packed on to my body. If I just eat them back, it's not helping me.
Well this is longer than I thought it would be.

Frustrated

Every time I eat anything near my calorie limit, I'm up the next day. I can't tell you how frustrated I am. I was soooo close to being at 50 lbs lost. .6 away. And now I'm 2.6 away. And not even because I had a total blow out, but because I ate the right amount of calories according to "loseit". So I'm not doing that anymore. I'm coming in way under every day. No more eating out at all. No more sweets, no more treats, just healthy food and exercise. No sodas. No ice cream. No fast food. Healthy cooking only. I will lose 50 lbs by the end of this week. I will lose 40 lbs this year. I'm done being fat.

So Close

I'm .6 away from having lost 50 lbs total.  That's such a huge accomplishment and I need to let myself really enjoy it.  It takes a lot of work and commitment to lose 50 lbs.  And I'm this close to being able to say: I did it.  I'm so determined to do this right, I'm so determined to get this done.  And to never go back.  I said two weeks ago that I was never going to see 250 again, and I never did.  I'm setting up realistic goals and I'm and I'm following through. 

It's October 7th.  I have 12 weeks before the end of the year.  My goal is to lose another 15 lbs, but a minimum of 10.  That would put me under 235 and at 60 lbs lost.  I think it's a realistic goal, a goal I can be very happy with.  And it sets me up nicely to get under 200 next year. 

And that's a goal I can't even imagine.  I've been over 200 lbs since my freshman year of high school.  It's enough to make me just a little tear eyed.

A Better Day

Work has totally sucked the last two days, and on top of that I've been up weight wise.  My face has broken out I've been so stressed.  But yesterday I ate well, got a decent night's sleep last night, and was really down this morning, to a nice healthy weightloss.  I then got a good review meeting with my boss, so I feel like my job is safe.  And, I actually got off of work at a decent hour today.  And it's raining.  Today feels better.

I went out to lunch with my fellow administrators today, to a comfy cozy diner.  I love diners.  I figured I had three options.  Get the dinner salad and feel deprived.  Get the sandwich I really wanted and know that I would be up tomorrow.  Or find a compromise.  So I compromised. I got a bacon avocado cheeseburger and steakfries.  And I ate exactly half.  With Water.  I feel good about the decision, and I really enjoyed the food.  Now I just need to have a healthy, low calorie dinner, a piece of Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt for dessert, and call it a day.  It would be a good day to work out, but it's raining and it's the first night I've gotten home in time to actually clean.  So maybe I'll dance a bit as I clean :D

I was right

So today is Monday, weigh-in day.  And I was right, I was up.  Not only was I up from the nice low point of 245.5 of this week, I was up from 247.8 last weigh in!  How is that possible.  How is fair that the one day I eat my full amount of calories, I gain all of the weight back.  After the day I had yesterday I really needed some good news and this was not it.  Even with running the last two days, I still couldn't lose the weight.  I'm so angry right now. 
  And I'm a bit scared.  Can it really be that the only way for me to lose weight is to eat 1200 calories a day or less?

OVER!!

I went over my calorie budget today.  I'm guessing about how much of my homemade dinner I've been eating each step of the way, but the numbers seem to be pretty accurate.  I'm going to be really mad at myself if I am up for tomorrow's weigh-in.  I don't like weighing myself on Mondays, I always go up on Weekends, even knowing that and doing my best.
  Today was just such a fail.  In life and in weight-loss.

Under Budget

Ok, I'm on the sixth day of counting calories and I have yet to reach 1500 calories.  I am supposed to eat 1,975 calories a day in order to lost 1.5 lbs a week, and yet I can't reach 1500 calories without feeling like I'm eating waaay too much.  I can't make myself eat more.  It's almost like I'm terrified to see the number on the scale go up.  I ate more today, I even feel like I ate too much, and yet, with the run, still under 1500.  By quite a bit.  The answer is of course to eat a little more.  But I already feel like I ate too much.  I just don't think I'm doing this right anymore.  And yet I don't think I can do it any other way. 

This is going well!

I hit a real rough patch the other day, and I'm still struggling a bit with a deep sadness about something that I can't fix. But it's part of the reason why I'm so dedicated and determined to change the way I look, to get healthy. I want to be a healthy person, the kind that doesn't worry about whether I can do something or not.
There was a moment over the summer when I was hiking with my friends in Big Bear. Not only was I able to keep up much better then I ever had, I was able to do something I didn't think I'd be able to do. I climbed a large rock formation. A year ago I would have passed because I knew that I couldn't do it, but this summer I was able to get past that worry and do it anyway. I want to remember that moment for the rest of my life. I want to be the kind of person who doesn't worry about being able to things, just enjoy the fact that I can.
I finally took the time to go running today. On the treadmill. I felt like I hit that perfect burn, where I wasn't breathing too hard, my legs didn't hurt, but I was sweating like you wouldn't believe. It felt great. Tomorrow I plan on attacking the hills around my brother's hills, to work the muscles, but today I was straight cardio. I've been losing, I've been on track. I want to do the best I can, so I can be the best I can be.
And while I'm still depressed about certain aspects in my life, I'm so thrilled with my progress that it evens out. And I can live with that :D

second day

For the second day in a row, I've come in waaaaay under calorie budget. I worried that I was too stressed, but today was my day off and I wasn't stressed. And I don't particularly feel depressed. I think that I'm so worried about eating over budget that I'm not eating at all. I am so determined to lose weight, but I need to do it healthy-like instead of starving myself accidentally.
On the other hand, I know that it wont last, so why would I not just enjoy it, why would I not just let myself lose the weight while I could and then figure out a new plan when it stops.
The only thing I'm still missing is exercise. I'm going to have to figure something out and soon.

Under budget

Soooo... I ate 800 calories today. And I'm so not hungry. I had granola for breakfast, and then teryaki turkey jerky, sharp cheddar cheese and some peanut butter for "lunch" around 4, so it counts as one meal. I also had a little bit of mocha almond fudge coconut milk ice cream. Not only did I not have the chance to eat today, I picked good foods to eat.
On top of that, I'm really stressed out at work, super busy and not meeting all of my deadlines. So I'm stressed and for the first time I'm not eating. If only I was getting the chance to exercise instead, it might not be so bad.

Googbye 250!

So, this week I lost 5.6 lbs, putting me firmly at 247. If I can be really good this week and get down to 245, even if I waffle a bit I should never again have to see 250. Ever. This is the beginning of a new life, a life where I don't live it at an eighth of a ton, and never again will I. I'm feeling good about this upcoming and week and my ability to do this right. The big challenges are when I go out with friends, and the weekends when I stay home. But I can come up with a plan and I can surpass these challenges.
Now if I could only find the time to start running again...

Doing well so far

Yesterday started off well, but then I had some trouble by the afternoon. I had like three coffees through out the day, and only one of them was "non-fat". If I could do it over again, I would have made them all non-fat. And tried to share the chocolate chip muffin with someone.
However, thanks to the encouragement of my weight-loss buddy, I ended the evening with a delicious but healthy salad at Island's rather than eating out like normal. And I was down today! Monday is my weigh in day. I'm hoping that since I'm working all weekend I wont be eating a lot, so I'll still be down by Monday.
Let's see!

KFC

Today was stressful. I ate a greek yogurt for breakfast, part of a strawberry spinach salad for lunch. And then for dinner, I had popcorn chicken and potato wedges at KFC. I was taking a consumer out for dinner, and that's where she wanted to go. But mostly because it's where I asked her if she wanted to go. It was supposed to be a treat for her, but I was so hungry that I ate too. All in all, it wasn't a very large amount of food, but it wasn't good food at the end. I'm not sure how tomorrow is going to look on the scale.
I'm wondering if it's worse to eat less but not as healthy, or eat more, but healthy. I know what most people would say, but I can't help but wonder if it all comes out in the wash. Tomorrow will be a good test.

Not a good start

So this weekend, I was home, by myself, procrastinating, which means I ate. and ate. And it wasn't until the middle of Sunday when I realized that I was eating so much because I was procrastinating. It's kind of amazing that I'm just now realizing that the worst part of my eating disorder is when I'm procrastinating on something important. I need to start analyzing earlier in an eating day and try to cut the cycle before it's too late.

I also haven't started my plan yet, or even finished creating it. I would say I've been working, but you already know I've been procrastinating. It's time to really get this thing started. It's time to get it done right. Because I'm almost out of time.

And I'm back

I finally have internet again, which means that I'm back on track with the ability to blog. Now I can really get down to a healthy regimen. Tonight I'm going to sit down and plan out a week's worth of meals, of exercise, and of counting calories and such. I'm half way through September and I'm realizing that I only have 3 months to lose another 20 pounds. And that is my goal. I'm going to lose 20 lbs before the end of the year. That would put me at 230 lbs, which would be amazing and would mean that I will have lost 65 lbs. And wouldn't that be just crazy.
So tonight is the night that I get started. That I make a plan. Today was a stay at home, eating day, and even then, I didn't do that bad. Cereal, popcorn, lean cuisine pizza, turkey jerky, pasta and cheese, ww desert bar.
One of the things that I really need to get is a Brita filter so that I can have water in the fridge. I haven't been keeping properly hydrated. It seems that it's only when I have a strict plan that I'm able to be successful. So I'm ready to plan. I'm ready to start this thing again and get down to the next level.
Here goes!

Back down

I've been trying to be good this week, running and watching what I eat. I've managed to get back down to 250.6, almost 3 lbs. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a slow process, but this number feels good. Work is hard, stressful and so far is hard to eat healthy. I'm going to have to come up with an attack plan for lunches. My last impromtu lunch at a french bakery was disgusting with the sandwich I ordered coming anyway but the way I ordered it and the owner yelling at the waitresses the entire time I was there. I didn't want to send my lunch back and make things worse. So I need to find ways of bringing my own lunch, even though I never know where I'm going to be. I'm supposed to have access to any of the refrigerators at the houses, but I don't want to test that theory until I'm more sure of my place. And of the places themselves. So far, so good, I just need to keep on track for the month of August. I can do this!

Damn you Burger King

So today was... super stressful to say the least. I got to my new job at 8, as I was supposed to, and my new boss called to say that I didn't need to be there until 9. At 8 when I got there. And then she didn't show up until 9:30. So I ended up with Starbucks. And then I only got a 30 minute lunch when I was told I'd have an hour, so I ended up at Burger King. And the worst part was, I didn't feel crummy afterward like I had thought I would. Apparently, I'm still completely able to to devour salt fat and sugar without problems. Grrr. So then I got home, determined to go running, and my ipod had no battery.

So I did something awesome, and just moved for an hour. I turned on White Collar, and just walked, did jumping jacks, knee bends, arm lifts, all sorts of hings. And literally just kept myself moving for the full episode. Then did stretches. I sweated, I huffed, I had my heart pumping. Then I had squash for dinner and strawberries for dessert. So hopefully, I will keep myself in the green. I am focused. And tomorrow, I will bring my own lunch.

So Far, So Challenging

It's Sunday. My Friday was... complicated. I did well at breakfast and dinner, but lunch was harder. It was the last day of my training, and I had set up a precedent of getting people together, so as much as I tried to say, "I'm just going to go to Jamba Juice" it didn't turn out that way. I ended up getting pizza, since that's what everyone else wanted. But I limited myself to one piece. I did really well yesterday, which is especially awesome since it was my usual once a month excuse to eat salt and chocolate. I had scrambled eggs for breakfast, Jamba for lunch, popcorn for a snack, and graham crackers and peanut butter for dinner. I had a plan for dinner, but I wasn't hungry until 8:30, and by then I just wanted a little protein. So far, I'm right back down to 250 even. 3 lbs in a weekend ain't bad!
I'm going to brunch with a friend today. I'm very excited, I love brunch and I rarely ever get to go. I plan on allowing myself to indulge, but in severe moderation. Because I don't want to be that girl who doesn't get to enjoy brunch. But I do want to be a girl under 200 lbs. It's all about compromise.

As many times as it takes

It turns out that I have to start over again. I needed a new plan, or perhaps to just re-instate my old plan. Because this, what I've been doing, isn't working for me. Not. Even. Kind of. So, I'm sitting down, making a new plan, and implementing it! Because, yeah, that's the part I've been missing. So here it is: I've got a food plan, and more importantly I have an exercise plan. M, W, Sa, run. T, Th, Su, videos aimed at tummy and arms and more cardio.

Current: 253
Goal: 243
By: Sept. 1

My other goal is to be able to run 3 miles by then.

One last thing! I'm back to blogging, because it was truly helpful. I'm hoping that it's the blogging that was helpful, not the reading. I'm worried that it was the accountability that was important. We're about to find out.

Damn chips

Sometimes I just get really angry with myself. I was really good all day today, after days of being really good and slowly creeping back down. I had a bowl of cereal with some pineapple, a greek yogurt (the yoplait kind is disgusting, fyi), then some almonds for lunch, a 100 calorie cottage cheese and odwalla superfood for snack, and subway sandwich, turkey and spinach on whole wheat with some cheese, for dinner. And then I got home and wanted something relaxing so I grabbed a cider, but that didn't fill the mood so I broke out some Kettle Baked bbq chips, a good snack. If I hadn't eaten the whole package while I was reading my book. I'm so angry that I lost control. And then, as if I lightbulb went off, I realized that all I had really wanted was some water. Most of my cravings can be answered by water, which would be great if I could just remember that.

Tomorrow, my friend Mati is coming to visit. I already have a run planned, so if I can just keep the food healthy....

Two days...

... since my re-determination that I needed to get my diet on track and start working at losing weight again. So far, I think that I have been fairly successful. I have been pretty good at my diet (meaning what I eat, not a weightloss plan) and I have gone running both days. I'm starting to enjoy it again, because I no longer go out to meet an end, I'm just going out to run. I would like to meet my goal, but there is a chance that a 5k is going to be out of realm, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to try!
I've been packing my lunch, I've been planning my meals, and I'm not really making big dinners, I'm just eating enough to get through. After Taco Tuesday, I was up to 154.6. This morning I was back down to 251.6. I'm excited to see what tomorrow brings. And seeing if I can keep good on this weekend of events.

Trying to find the track.

What am I going to do? I can't seem to get my feet back under me. The entire month of May I have struggled with trying to keep on my diet, and I seem to be right back to where I started, start off well and by the end of the day I'm eating whatever I can get my hands on. I'm no longer doing well when I go out. I have such good intentions, but no follow through, which is how I've "dieted" for years. I've been stuck hovering around 250 for a month now. And I'm not happy about it. Last night I went out for taco tuesday. Last time I went I had a small amount of chips and some carnitas, left behind the tortillas. This time I had too many chips, had a large carnitas taco with tortilla and cheese, and a pork tamale. And a margarita. So yeah, I seem to have given up. I know how to do it, I know that I can do it, I just can't seem to actually get it done. I want to weigh 240 by next month. This is June now, I can't afford to continue to slack off. I have goals, I have a plan. Maybe I just need to write them down.

Eat healthier through out the day --> Plan out my meals
Less food, more energy --> More protein, less carbs and sugar
Not to be starving at the end of the day --> pack my lunch
Be in control when going out --> For this I have no plan. Until I do, I will not be going out.

That's the current plan. I guess we will see from there. But I want to do this. I want to run my 5k. I want to lose weight. I don't want to keep living my life in a way where food is more important than my health.

Setting new goals

I've been really struggling with keeping on track these last two weeks. I was up four pounds last week, and I only lost 1.4 of them this week. I was so upset at myself that I didn't even write it into my weight log. And I think that was a mistake, one I've now rectified. I have to stop hiding from my failures and start learning from them. So I wrote them down, and now I'm trying to figure out what I can do to get back on track.

1) Write down everything I eat this week.
2) Drink nothing but water (I had gotten side tracked with coffee drinks and strawberry lemonade)
3) Start running again. I kind of lost it last week, I only did day one. It's harder for me to go out because I know how long it's going to take. I can see why others love to run, it is such good alone time, but I have NOTHING but alone time, at work, at home, in the car. I don't like being alone with my thoughts that long, and with jogging it's not like I can take a tv show with me. But tonight I'm going out with my friend for a jog, and I need to remember why I started this. It is the first time I allowed myself to start for a goal I didn't think I cold accomplish, and I'm GOING to accomplish it.
4) Limit my carbs, amp up my protein.
5) Write more in my blog.

I think these are the steps I'm going to take this week to get back on track. Next week, I'll come up with new goals, and the week after that.

So here are the numbers
Current weight :251.6
Weight lost this year : 19.5
Total weight lost : 41.8
New goal 240 by July 17th (my friend's wedding)

There comes a point...

... when you have to decide if you are going to give up because it is no longer easy, no longer working the way you want it to. And while there is a part of me that does want to give up, that does want to walk away from my running and my diet and just go back to living my life of food that is greasy and delicious and not worry about, not think about it, there is a bigger part of me that remembers why I started this journey in the first place, and refuses to give up now. That's the part of me that realizes that I'm still 250 lbs.
It's weird, because I am no longer seeing the scale drop, but there are so many other indicators that I want to focus on. And it's hard when the scale seems to be laughing in your face to focus on those other indicators. Because of this, I'm going to write them down in the attempt to focus on them just a little bit more.
1) I'm wearing a size 20. It's been years since I could wear a size 20.
2) All of my slacks are way too big.
3) So are my dress shoes (I never even thought of that until it happened)
4) When Rob and I went to get Fro Yo, and we walked back up the hill, I wasn't at all out of breath, where I used to have trouble making it up at all
5) Looking at pictures of myself from last year, there's a huge difference.
That's good for right now. It's time to get back into it. I was off my thyroid for a little bit and it screwed up my sleep, my focus, and most importantly my ability to say no to food. But now I'm back on and working at getting my good habits back.
I'm also realizing that one of the reasons I'm not losing weight anymore might be because I've loosened my restriction of carbs. I started off on a mostly veggie/fruit/protein diet, and I've been adding carbs in and I need to kick them back out. I also need to start being wary of my sugar intake. It's time to start focusing on things other than just calorie intake. I need to start planning my meals again. I need to start working on it again, truly.
I've also decided that I'm going to start doing more exercise than just my running. I've started to weights with my arms, and I'm going to start doing yoga again, and just keep walking/jogging.
I'm not starting over, I'm not beginning again, I'm not continuing on. I'm just living the life I want rather than the life I have.

Results

I hate when I get super worried and frustrated for no reason! Here are the results of the week!

Current weight: 249.8!!!
Lost this week: 5.2 (because I was up from the weekend at last weigh-in)
Lost this year: 21.3
Lost total: 43.6.

Oh yeah, this is just what I needed to keep myself motivated!!

Hard day

Today, as the heading says, was a realy hard day. I woke up to some fairly awful news from someone I love, the weather was morbidly cloudy without the blissful release of rain, and I was alone for the third day in a row, which is never a good idea for me, especially on Mother's day, when I feel I should have been in LA.
All of this was to say that today I was a bit depressed. And today was an eating day. It wasn't too bad, I kept myself fairly regulated, snacking on things that were fairly healthy and took a long time to eat, but I still ate more today than I should have. And I want more. Fairly desperately actually. I'm afraid if I let myself have that bowl of cereal I'm craving, I'm just going to move on to craving something else that it will be a never ending chain.
And it makes me think. Am I eating because today was reminiscent of much darker days, where I took solace in food? Is today such a foul day because I was eating, or was I eating because it was such a foul day. I went for my run today, does that allow for me to eat more without feeling guilty?
I think at this point I need to recognize the fact that I eat the most when I'm feeling very, very alone. And I also need to aknowledge that I will forever be alone if I can't find a way to not eat.

just keep running

I lost all of the birthday weight: YAY!
But I haven't lost anything since. Boo. Now, I know that I have some how managed to lose four lbs in 4 days, but I'm impatient.
However, I know that I'm still making progress, because I know that my running has vastly improved. I found out yesterday that in 4 minutes I run (jog) 1/4 of a mile. So in the time that my podcast runs, it means I'm moving for two miles in 35 minutes. My goal is to run (jog) 3.1 miles in 45 minutes. I actually think I might make it!! Not only that, but I feel good when I do so. I'm not ever horribly out of breath. My legs hold me back, but even they are getting stronger every day. I'm excited about my progress, and I've made plans to run (jog) my first mile full blown at the end of this month. My friend Nate is going to run it with me. We are going to run it in my own neighborhood, the same mile where I first tried to run in 2009 and found that after a mere block I was almost dead from no air, I'd pulled my knee and I'd hurt my shoulder pretty bad. It's going to feel so incredibly good to be able to run the whole mile in the same place I had failed so miserably only two years ago.
I'm having some trouble keeping my calories in the right zone. I have been scarily under calorie a couple of days this week, and other days I've really close to going horribly over. But I have a great app that is keeping me honest, as well as keeping me aware of just what I'm eating on any given day.
This wasn't just an April thing. I'm still going. My goal for the month of May is to lose 10 lbs.

Started this month at: 255 even. Hoping to end it at 245. And I just keep singing to my self, Just keep running, just keep running...

Could have been worse indeed

Ok, so I'm actually down this week from last week! I'm still up from where I was in the middle of the week, but then, I had a birthday. And it was epic! And I wasn't too focused on being good. I actually didn't do very badly on my Barney Stinson birthday, but I'd had Denny's the night before and I had Claim Jumper the day after.
So now I'm back on the wagon. Today I'm going to go to work, eat healthy, come back for my run and then off to book club!! It's gonna be a good week. My goal is to be 245 by the end of May. Bring it May!

Current Weight 255
Weight loss 38.4
April loss 8.4

not starting over

After a four mile walk, being really good at Sea World and walking even further, I was still up almost three pounds by Saturday. And I was done. Why bother to be so good, to try so hard when I was only going to go up anyway?
This weekend, I was up at home for Easter. I did okay on Saturday, and I was down a little, but not enough to keep me from feeling frustrated. So on Sunday, we made a roast, and mashed potatoes and gravy. And I ate them. I didn't eat them in moderation, I just ate them. And I had ice cream.
At my official weigh in yesterday, I was up 1.8 lbs from the week before. And I did it to myself. I can't believe I gave up. I could have been up only a pound, and I started my period today, which means I would have been down if I just stay good.
But I'm not starting over.

I'm pushing through.

I started running again today, after a two week hiatus due to illness, and I was sure that I was going to have to go back to week two. I accidentally clicked the three week button, and I decided to just try it. After each interval, I felt like I could just keep running, so I didn't go back down to week two. I was able to run for the full last minute instead of just 30 seconds. It felt good.
I also made ground turkey breast and spinach, and added a little brown rice. I ate a serving, then put the rest into three containers for dinner the next couple of nights. I also bought carrots and hummus for lunches. As of this morning, I had seven pounds to lose before I hit a major mile-stone. I want to get as close as possible before May 1st. It's gonna be epic.

Super Frustrated

So, this week has been tricky, and I really thought I had handled it well. But apparently not. And I'm so frustrated. Wednesday, I went for a 4 mile walk and then out for sushi. I was up a lb. Then I went to Sea World and walked everywhere, ate carefully... and was up 2 more lbs. I'm back up to 257. Everyone told me: it's water weight because of all the exercise, don't worry about it, it's a blip. So I was so good yesterday. Fiberone bar for breakfast, a coffee and two servings of nuts, and some cottage cheese for dinner, a peanut butter and honey sandwich for snack, half a sushi for dinner and a little bit of froyo. Still 257. It's like I was punished for being so excited to reach 40 lbs before I had actually lost 40 lbs.
I want to give up. I was so close to my unattainable goal and now it's so far away. What's the point of being so good, of saying no to things when you are having your special day only to be up two pounds anyway? WHAT'S THE FREAKING POINT!!

Eating Out

So last night I went out to eat for first time since I began to seriously focus on getting healthy. And it was one of the hardest thing I've ever done, and here's why. I was going out with my best friend and her parents, whom I love dearly, and when I got there they said the worst words I could imagine: We're going to Chili's! Chili's and Chevy's and Denny's are on my "I'm not going there ever again if I could help it" list. I do not have the will power to turn down my favorite meals, to turn down chips and salsa, to not get sad that I will probably never have the white chocolate lava cake at Chili's. But I can't have these things. I can't let myself be near them. So I did something that took every piece of strength I had. I asked if we could go somewhere else.
If it hadn't been for the fact that these people have been truly caring and supportive of me, I wouldn't have had the strength to do it, but I had to do it for myself. It was the best thing for me. And they were so supportive, and it wasn't a big deal to them at all, but man did it give me issues. But I did it. And we went to Islands, which has a meal I know I can have and thoroughly enjoy. The Chicken wrap with bacon and cheese, but mostly lettuce. I got it with the sauce on the side, and I used very little of it, and I ate a french fry and got the rest off my plate and I had one onion ring, which was delicious, and I only needed the one. And I only had half. It wasn't so bad. I survived my first "outing".
And I lost 3.4 lbs this week. Honestly, I was .2 away from 40 lbs lost, but I called it anyway. It was close enough, and I wanted to go ahead and call it. I'm also 3.6 lbs away from 250 lbs. I have 9 days until my birthday. It would be ridiculously difficult, but I could come so close to my unrealistic goal that it makes me want to cry.
The problem is, today I did really well, and then I had a binge night. And I'm so frustrated by it. My dinner (the second half of my wrap) wasn't nearly as good tonight, and I ate some fat free sour cream and onion pringles. But I wanted more. So I put them away and went foraging for something a little more substantial in Rob's fridge... and found the remains of my Ben and Jerries in the freezer. There was maybe a 1/4 cup left, and it tasted soo good. But then I wanted more salt. And instead of getting out the chips again, I had literally a little salt. And then I was just hanging out in the kitchen, wanting more food. So I grabbed some tea and I went upstairs.
I feel bad for leaving my dog downstairs, but I had to get away from temptation. So now I'm writing this blog. And I'm looking at what I ate and I'm realizing that as long as I can keep from eating anything else, I actually got through my binge relatively unscathed.
Now to keep it going. The success, not the binge :D

CHALLENGES!!!

Ok, here goes this post of challenges. Getting to spend this weekend with my parents and brother was awesome. The food issues were not so much. I got there on Friday, we got pizza. But I was able to get my mom to share a personal pizza with me, and I only ate one piece. And loved it. But portion control! We also had steak and I had a dollop of mashed potatoes and spinach. I found out that I can thoroughly enjoy spinach with only shaved parm cheese on it. No more dressings for me! Anyway, I didn't think I had done so well (I also had an el pollo loco cheesey roll up) and yet miracles! I lost exactly two pounds. I was at 257.8. Which means that's two weigh ins at 250, which means I am officially in the 250s!! (I always weight for two weigh in's before I get too excited). I'm so stoked. Plus I have two weeks to make it to 255, which was the modified goal because losing almost 3.5 pounds four weeks in a row. I'm close, I can almost taste it.
Which leads me to the next challenge. I'm sick. Like kill me now sick. Which means two things. Lots of soup, which is high in sodium, lots of tea with honey, which shouldn't be too bad, and no running this week. Which is my worst nightmare. I had been doing so well, I was so excited. But I can't do day two or three of week three and I'm a bit pissed. But I get woozy just standing for too long. And my lungs are rejecting themselves, so I don't think running would be a good idea. Which means I was so close to making 255 but it doesn't look like I'm going to make it.
There is an up side to all this. I don't want to just throw in the towel. For the first time, I'm not hitting a snag and throwing my hands up and going aw screw it. I think I might have if I hadn't lost today, but I did and I'm not going to give up.

Weekly loss: 2 lbs
Year loss: 13.3 lbs
Total loss: 35.6 lbs

Week 2: FIN!

I can't believe that I'm already done with week 2 of my couch to five k. It's only 9 weeks long, although there are two supplementals. I have no idea what they entail, but hey. I finished. And that's what is important. When I think about how shasty I felt at the end of the first day of week two, and today I was going even longer than he was telling me, because I could. I thought I would have to do week two twice, but I'm ready to see what week three holds. I'm not going to slow down until I have to.
I've been struggling with food though. That stupid stofers lasagna had me up two pounds. I was back down one this morning, and I wanted to be back into the 250's tomorrow, but then I missed today. I was doing well all day and I had an egg and a peanut butter and honey sandwich. But then I had popcorn. I had a smartones bag of the 98% fat free or what ever, but I put some white cheddar salt on it. And I burned the crap out of it, so it didn't even taste good. And what I had really wanted was a little salt and then a little sweet. So I was craaaaaving ice cream or cookies. And I knew it would only get worse. I allowed myself one oreo and a half a glass of milk. And it was good. But I realized before my popcorn, that I was afraid to eat. I was afraid to eat anything that wasn't a nut or fruit or a vegetable. I feel so guilty about my diet popcorn and my fricking oreo. And I'm terrified of what it's going to say on the scale tomorrow. I'm working so hard, with my running and my diet. And yet I'm petrified because of a small bag of popcorn and an oreo. What the hell?
It's not how I want to live my life. Yet, I don't know how to do anything else. I can't start giving in or else it will avalanche. I need to find some sort of balance. Or at least to find a way to let go of the fear.

running

It's the same day, but such a different post, so I'm doing it separate. I started week 2 of running on Sunday. Rob went with me, and I have to say, best brother/sister activity ever. We both had our earphones in, and yet we still communicated. However, I started off trying too hard, just got swept away and I almost threw up by the end of the first jog. It was really hard from there on because not only had I over done it for the first one I also was upping my game and running for 2.5 minutes and walking for 2.5 for 5 turns instead of 4.
Rob also suggested I work on lengthening my stride, to work out my legs and save my lungs some stress. And he was right, my legs are feeling it. Today wasn't as bad, my lungs were doing just fine, but legs were definitely feeling it. But I got through it, including the extra 30 second run at the end. I'm feeling really good about my progress so far!

Can't stop smiling!!

This weekend I didn't really have a scale and I did the best I could but I was stressed and at home and I did the best I could. And then yesterday, I was so hungry and I just wanted to be full for an hour, so I ate a honey bran muffin and dark choc ice blended from coffee bean. And then at book club I had only three hunks of brie, three crackers, some carrots and hummus, and some grapes, and then we went for boba, so I was afraid that I had splurged too much and was going to be up. But I was down! And I was really down. I was down 3.6 pounds. For a total of 6.6 pounds in two weeks. I was so excited. And it kept me going. Today I did well for breakfast and lunch but I splurged on dinner. It had been such a long time since I had really sat down and eaten a meal, and I stared at my veggie lasagna every time I opened my freezer. It was only 400 calories, but it was 17 g of fat and a lot of sodium. But, it's the beginning of the week, I'll just go back to being really good and do my best to work it off. And if this lasagna is the reason I don't make my goal, then I will just have to live with it. Because it was delicious.
But I was thinking about how it would have been so much better if I had made it myself. And that's what I'm going to do next time. Now I just have to decide if I'm going to try to find a recipe or if I'm going to just wing it....

Challenge

It's funny, as I was typing that in, three previous post names with the word Challenge popped up. Hmm, I either need to get more creative, or just stop having such challenges!
Anyway, today's challenge is brought to you by the word time. I called my dad this morning to check in and see how he was doing (cause he needs support and love too) and he basically told me he could really use some extra help. I almost bounced with joy and I realized that the reason I've been so upset about this whole thing is because people keep saying they don't need me, that I should just focus on my life and they will take care of it and it will be fine. That's really hard for a girl like me to hear, I need to be needed, it's like a major defect of my personality. Anyway, Dad said he needed me and I jumped at the chance. Of course, that meant that I was leaving for work at 10, then leaving work at 310 and heading straight to Monrovia. I was starving by the time I got here, despite having a banana for lunch and a bit of sesame bread and humus for a snack. But we were going to get food as a family, so I didn't want to eat until they got home. That didn't happen. Finally I broke down and had a bowl of cereal, and then got the call that I was going to go to the hospital and spell the boys so they could grab food and off I went. So I really didn't eat a lot today, which is better than if I had broken down and gotten fast food, but I'm afraid my body is going to go into starvation mode and start holding on to weight I really want to lose.
Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early, have a banana, go for week 2 day 1 run, then have a decent breakfast. After that, I'll do my best to eat healthy as I have my day at the hospital and what not. I'm not going to let the stress and time and change in day pattern disrupt my workout/ healthy eating groove. I can't. I have to be strong or I will never make it.

new habits

I'm stressed. I was up from 3 am to 5 am this morning with cramps, so I got a total of 5 hours of sleep, and none of it was continuous. I was up at 7:45 and at work by 8:30. I then left there at 4:30 to go teach at 5:30 until 7:30. I'm exhausted, I'm pms-ing... and did I mention my mom is having major back surgery tomorrow? And that I wont get to see her for over two weeks? I'm stressed and I'm freaking out.
But I didn't want to undo all of my effort. I'm hungry, but I'm afraid to eat. So far today I had a honey bran muffin, a peach latte, raspberry greek yogurt, a string cheese, and a 6 in turkey and cheese on wheat sandwich from subway. Huh. Other than the latte, I guess I really didn't eat that much today. I think that I had psyched myself out, thought that I had eaten a lot of food. But, it's also almost 10, and there's really no reason to eat, I hate eating right before bed, it makes it a lot harder to go to sleep.
Anyway, what I was trying to say is that usually, when I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm pms-ing, it's like a free pass to eat chocolate and sodium filled soup. But today I wanted to run. I wanted to take my stress and exercise it off. And I didn't have the time. It was way dark by the time I got home. So I wouldn't eat. I couldn't exercise. I needed something else to do. So I took a medium long, hot shower. Good for the cramps, good for the stress. I'm now sitting here, typing away with a coconut candle as my only light, the warm light is comforting and hopefully soothing. It's a good step toward changing my habits. Making it so that food is not the automatic response to any of my emotions.

Greek yogurt

Today's eating:
Breakfast : bowl of special k with 2% milk
Lunch : Hard boiled egg, 1/2 cup of pistachios, string cheese, two cuties and two oreos
Pre run snack : Hard boiled egg
Dinner : 1 cup of ground turkey cooked with onion and garlic, a bit of parm cheese, green onion and zucchini, and 6 oz of Pineapple yogurt from chobani. I really don't like yogurt, I don't like the consistency, but greek yogurt? I had no idea how much better it was! Everyone always says it's tarter, but no one said the consistency was so much different! It's yummy, and full of protein. And except for my breakfast, I had a bread free day.
I also did my week one, day two run. I didn't push myself too fast on the first jog and it made all the difference. On the other hand, I didn't stretch first, and that made a huge difference. I need to make sure that I always stretch.
I'm ending this day feeling good for my accomplishments. I need to not focus on whether or not I lost weight, just on how far I'm coming physically and mentally.
I actually felt pretty for a minute today.

sigh... of relief

So at the mid week weigh in I had lost 4 pounds. And then slowly I watched it creep back up until I was down a mere pound yesterday. And I was so frustrated. What's the point of working so hard, eating so specifically, if it wasn't going to get me anywhere? Especially the day after my first run, which I felt should have put me down, not up. And I railed. My poor mom had to spend the day listening to me bitch about it while picking at my food.
But then I started to think about it. And I realized that I did Saturday all wrong. After my run, I was running late to work so I grabbed an organic apricot-nut bar. Good. But it wasn't nearly enough to replenish what I had lost. Which would have been fine if I had been able to grab my 6 in turkey and spinach on whole wheat two hours later. But we had a lunch meeting, so I ran to the store and picked up beef jerky and smoked almonds. I needed the salt and the protein, and my options at CVS were very limited. Then Rob and I went for sushi, and at this point I was feeling pretty good about how few calories I had consumed so I decided to give in to a temptation and had a little bit of my ice cream. Which in honest hindsight, probably wasn't so little. So maybe it wasn't so much about being frustrated as being lame.
Yesterday wasn't so bad, I had breakfast and lunch with my mom at Ihop, which you would think would be disastrous, but my breakfast of turkey bacon, scrambled egg sub (which I actually prefer) and five silver dollar buttermilk pancakes was 210 calories. My lunch was spinach salad with grilled chicken, bacon (which I wish I had thought to ask for turkey bacon) an egg and I had cheese on the side. It was good though. And cause breakfast was late, and lunch was at like 3, I didn't even eat dinner. I didn't even snack when I got home.
And this morning, I saw a beautiful thing: 263.4. I lost 3.4 lbs this week. It's a great start toward my 16 in 40. I needed 2.9 a week. It's gonna be good

Day one

Today I started my journey toward running a 5k. For the most part, I did great; and that's what I'll be telling everybody. But I need a place to be completely honest, and since Julia is the only one that reads this blog, and I feel Julia wont judge me, this is going to be that place.

Today started out rough. I have a hard enough time getting up early when I have to get to work, let alone on a freaking Saturday, but I needed to. I needed to do this for myself, and this was the only time today that I knew that I was going to have time. So I got up, I stretched, and I loaded my ipod with the training program and away I went.

It started with a 5 minute brisk walk. Easy! Then a two minute jog, not too bad. And then I threw up a little. What?! But I kept going. I did the other 3 jogs and finished with the five minute brisk walk. I was tired. But I did it. And I'm a little worried about my knee, it started to hurt. But I'm going to keep going. Day one, week one, check. Monday, will be day two. Tomorrow I'm going to go for a long walk. I need to get my stamina up. My muscles didn't even get the chance to get sore, my breathing always got in the way. Change is comin'.

The big decision

So, I've decided that I'm definitely going to start training for the 5k in July. I normally would never buy things before I've proven that I am actually going to do it, but this time I couldn't. More than that, I spent more than I ever have for weight management, and more money in one swoop than I have in years. It was a really hard decision, but I had to do it. I needed better shoes or I was going to stop before I even really began. I needed a decent sport's bra because the ones I have give me massive back and head aches and without them I'm in pain. I needed better socks because the ones I have now give me water blisters with even every day use. So I spent 200 dollars. I didn't hint to my parents that I wanted help, I just spent it. And it makes me even more determined to use them.
I can't back out now. For one, I need to do this for myself. I feel very determined. For two, if I waste this money, I will never forgive myself. So here is the plan. I'm going to start the couch to 5k program. But I know that I'm going to take longer to do it than the program is for. So I'm giving myself 18 weeks, two weeks for each week's program. I'm going to keep doing my best to eat healthy. BUT WAIT, There's More!
I'm also going to start putting together self-motivators. I'm going to make a running list of why I want to lose weight and get healthier. I'm going to make lists of what I'm going to do and what I'm hoping to stop doing. I'm going to read something positive and educational about healthy living as often as I can (I was going to say everyday, but that seemed like I was setting myself up to fail). That being said, I'm just going to keep myself motivated for as long as I can. And when I can't motivate myself any longer, I'll turn to others for motivation.
So tomorrow starts the first day of my new journey. No more months with catchy names. This is Kathy to 5k! Here we go.

Huzzah

I know it's only a mid week weighin, but the scale said that I was down four pounds in four days. It's not one week, so I can't celebrate just yet, but I wanted to write it down some where, to be excited about it some where. Now I just have to see if I can maintain my success. The key here is to not be totally devastated at the one week weigh in if the results aren't as great as I want them to be. But for these few minutes... WOOHOO!!

here we go again

So far, my decision to be healthy this week is going really well. Yesterday, I got home and my new roommate hurried me into my work out clothes and off for an hour long, 3 mile walk. A brisk walk. And it was cold. Then, for dinner we had snapper in a potato crust, quinoa, a salad made from the lettuce grown in the garden, and mixed berries for dessert. Already lost a pound! And I was able to eat the snapper, so that's a good start.
There was something kind of awesome about it. I'm not going to expect this kind of thing very often, but it was a great kickstart to the week.
Today work was hell. Instead of wanting to come home to ice cream, I wanted to come home, take a quick walk and eat the rest of my strawberries. I'm calling this progress!

this week's goal

I need to start figuring out what it is that makes me eat. I ate some Stouffer's Mac and cheese tonight, and some chips. Mac and Cheese is my ultimate comfort food, and I have no idea why I felt I needed it. I need to stop and think about why I want to eat before I let myself indulge in things. At the time, it was, I want it, and I don't think I should have to deny myself. But would it really have been so bad if I had had tricolor pasta with some zucchini and a bit of Parmesan cheese instead? No, it would have been just as good and it would have been waaaay better for me calorie and fat wise.
So I need to figure out why I'm so moody.
On the plus side, I finally got myself to start exercising. I did 45 minutes of just moving today, a little walking, some jogging, side stepping, kick backs, got my arms involved with some punches and some lifts. I just tried to keep my heart rate up a bit, got a little sweat on. My goal is that every single day this week, I'm going to work out 30 minutes at least, and I'm going to eat something that earth gave color to. That's the goal of this week. I'm going to make it happen.

settling in

Ok. I've moved. I have a home, a job, great friends and family. I have almost all that I need, and it's time to just calm the frak down. I already lost what I'm calling my depressed weight, the weight that I had gained when I was in such a bad place. But I don't want to stay here, I want to keep going down. I need to keep going down. I want to see 250 before I turn 26. That's my new goal. I'm currently at 266. I have 40 days to lost 16 lbs. There is no reason why I can't do that other than my own hang ups, my own stalls. Today, I wanted to work out, but I didn't feel comfortable working out in the living room, my room is too small, and it was too dark to go for a walk. I needed a gym and so I started looking for one. I found one, but there is no where on the site that says how much a month. I don't know if I will really go, but I need a place to work out. Because it doesn't matter how well I eat, how much I keep myself on track, if I'm not working out, I will not be able to see the results I need to see.
I'm not gonna stress out about it. For the first time in my life, I have nothing I "need" to be working on, nothing I feel bad about not doing when I sit down to watch tv. No homework, no job hunting, no house hunting. For a little while I get to focus on the projects I want to do. So this is going to be my project, figuring out if I can work out on my own or if I need to join something, or if I need to find a buddy or what.
March into Fitness, you are half over, and yet not really begun. It's time to March into Fitness!!!

March into Fitness!

I've been climbing out of my valley, slowly but surely. I have a job, I have a place to live (with a super hot roommate, who's a dolphin trainer for the navy) and I'm back on the weightloss train. I'm down to 264. Turns out stress and very little time make it easy to lose weight. It feels good to be on my way back up/ down :D
Now if only I was already moved...

March Mission

So far, March has been really busy. But, I was able to eat well yesterday, so I have some hope. I have decided that my goal for this month is to reduce my cheese intake. I eat too much cheese and too much bread. I think it would be good for me to stretch myself, and also to see if that's part of the reason I can't seem to lose the weight.

I've also decided to make sure that I walk at least 30 minutes every day, either outside or wii fit. Any other exercise is welcome, but the walking is the necessity.

Ah HA!

I finally found the one emotion that does not make me want to eat! Indecision! I stressed all day about my living situation, rather to take the safe place that I wasn't excited about but had to take today or risk a place I haven't seen but am really excited about that might not work out. I barely ate all day. I had a bagel for breakfast, crackers and cream cheese for lunch and a bowl of cereal for dinner. If only it hasn't all been carbs, I think I would feel pretty good about today. Especially since I feel at peace about letting the safe place go, I'm really hoping that I can actually sleep tonight. I have to say, so far I'm not really tired, despite being up since 4 this morning.
All I can do is hope that everything works out in a positive way. And that I don't eat y way through the next couple of weeks as I try to move and start my life anew. Again. Tomorrow starts March. I took a walk today, trying to get into the mindset of what I'm calling my March Mission. Or maybe March into Less? March Blitzkrieg? I'll come up with a name.

Today I was reminded about why I love Panera, and why I should never ever go there. I've never been there for breakfast before and I now that I have, I'm almost a bit screwed. Ham and Swiss Souffle, incredible. Cinnamon Crunch bagel, amazing. All made better by the absolute fabulous company I was with. But between all of the bread from my bottom of the valley day, my pizza last night and the bread this morning, my stomach is all angry and I'm up.
Work got canceled today, so I'm cozying down and watching some tv, really relaxing. Maybe get some laundry done. Plus, I don't feel quite so bad about my eating day because it turns out I'm female and we all get one day a month to eat, and I didn't even know mine was here. But helps with the guilt a little bit. Add to that the fact that I finally talked to my brother a bit and drastically reduced my stress level. Yeah, despite the amazing bread, I'm definitely on my way back up.
I'm so happy it's raining.

big sigh

Today, I ate. I got off of work early, went to the grocery store, and bought guilty food. Cheddar Kaiser and Cream cheese, Cheddar Kettle Chips, and Cheese bread, and ham and cheese hotpockets. It wasn't until after I'd eaten it all that I realized the theme. And how sick I feel. My stomach feels queezy, I was totally out of breath running up the stairs, and I'm more depressed than I was before. Why did I do this to myself?

So I started thinking about what my triggers could be and realized that many of those triggers are occurring right now. Trigger 1) I'm lonely. I really want to be home with my family right now. 2) I'm feeling rejected. I basically got dumped last weekend before I ever even got to go on a date. 3) I'm stressed. I have to move at the end of the week, I have no place to live and I haven't even begun to pack. 4) I'm procrastinating. Like I said, I haven't begun to pack. 5) I feel like a failure. I missed something at work that was really important. Which meant a lady stayed in pain for three extra days. I feel awful about it, and guilty because I feel worse about looking bad at my job. Plus, I'm gaining weight. Which is horribly ridiculous because I ate because I was upset that I gained weight. That's a vicious cycle.

But never fear. I've done this before, many a time. This is the low part of the valley, which means I start my climb up to a peak. I start eating better, start actually exercising, reading Shape and watching Biggest Loser, drinking more water. How do I know this is coming, one because I've done it many a time, and two because I know the signs. I wash my sheets and take a night time shower. There is something really cleansing about going to bed completely clean. Now that I think about it, that's probably a subconscious metaphor. Anyway, the next step is obsessive list making. And then, cleaning my kitchen, my bathroom. Places that are easy to actually complete.

I'm actually looking forward to the next step. I'm tired of being in the valley. I'm ready to be in the peak. The last time, I exercised for a month straight and have never felt better. Perhaps this time I can do the same. March, you are so going to be my month!!! My goal two years ago was to be under 250 by the time I turned 25. Now my goal is to be in the 250's by the time I turn 26. It's time to start over! Again. And again if I have to.

And now, for my favorite saying, Never Give Up, Never Surrender!!!!

And once again...

... I start over. Yesterday I went out to lunch and to dinner, today I went out with my mom to coffee twice and decided to sooth my incredibly low self esteem with some chips. Turns out, I had the serving and then was done, which actually feels good. And then I thought "I should work out" but I needed to search for a place to live and now I need to do some work for my boss on his website, trying to get it networked so it can be more popular. I can't afford to not do it, it's been a week, but I'm starting to think I'm in over my head. But then, that's a different blog.
So anyway, I'm back up, and this morning, I saw that dreaded 7 instead of a 6, and damn if I'm going to let that happen. It's back to work in the morning. So I've decided I need to plan even better. Breakfast is Special K cereal, lunch is a turkey sandwich, a serving of pistachio's, a baggie of carrots. Dinner is LC whatever I want. M, T, Th and S I will do at least 30 minutes of exercise. WiiFit if nothing else, I just need to move. My goal is to be back to 265 by the end of the month. At least then I wont feel as if I failed so utterly in the month of February. But then, that too is for a different blog.

Getting back on track (finally!)

I haven't been good for the past couple of weeks. I keep saying I'm going to be and all that, but I haven't. This hit a peak this weekend when I went out for real Italian food on Saturday and then ate my way through Sunday: Bacon and eggs for breakfast, a hotdog and fries at Fuddruckers for lunch, boba, a grilled cheese and pulled pork sandwich with sweet potato fries, a half of pancake wrapped piece of red velvet cake with cream cheese and a third of a chocolate chip bread pudding ( I have NO regrets :D) But when I got on the scale I was up about 3 lbs and just super grateful that I was still in the 260s and not back up into the 270s. So this week (all two days of it) I've finally gotten back into control. I've been packing my lunch for work, eating a sensible breakfast and a sensible dinner. I've already lost 2 of the three lbs. Which makes me feel like my body is just yearning for my to be good so it can lose weight. And after years of abuse, I feel I owe it to my body to do what it wants for a change.
So, on top of continuing to eat well, adding back in fruit and veggies that I had strayed away from and stopping eating so much bread and cheese, I'm also going to start exercising again. I'm going to start with my WiiFit, because let's be honest, it's less daunting and I need to get started again. But then I'm going to do the 30 day challenge, maybe use some of my videos (I actually do like the exercise videos). I have enough time in the day if I stop watching quite so much tv, if I don't let myself get sucked into a book right when I get home. So I'm pulling out my secret weapon that I totally forgot about: my radio. If I have music on, I don't need to turn the tv on or pick up a book for company, and with music on I can still do other things, like exercise. Or laundry. Or clean my kitchen.
I have to do it now while I'm motivated. And I'm super motivated, because I just put on a pair of jeans that I couldn't button a couple of months ago. And while they are a bit tight, I'm gonna wear them anyway!!

Finally, a down day.

Since I started work, I've been running full force and then crashing, running full force, then crashing. I've been super organized at work, but not so much in my life. Most of my days off I ended up working at least a little, or having awesome plans. I've been living the life I wanted to live, if a little lonelier, but I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been eating whatever (yesterday I even had McDonald's for lunch, which was gross and I'm not doing again) and I haven't been exercising except for one pathetic attempt at running. I haven't been keeping my house clean nor have I taken the time to create a budget now that I have some money to budget with.
That changed today. This morning I slept in, which was nice, then I got up and cleaned my house, did dishes and took out trash, did some laundry, and later I'll fold laundry and pick up my room, maybe even organize my papers and perhaps do my taxes! I'm also going to take today to really budget out my finances, and then plan this weeks meals before I go grocery shopping with a list. It's time to take charge of my life again, stop just running around and take a minute to get organized. Part of that was taking the time to write this blog. Normally I just write this stuff down on random pieces of paper and then throw them away, but what's the point of having a blog if I don't use it, right? So next on my agenda is budget, this weeks to do list, then take Rob's money to his bank, then work, then come back and finish tidying and cleaning and organizing. I'm also going to do at least 30 minutes of exercise today.
It's a gorgeous Saturday. I'm going to enjoy it for all it's worth!

Well THAT's embarassing.

So lately I haven't been exercising and once again running is starting to play a big part of my dreams. Tonight, after a long day of work, I started to feel like I needed to go for a run. But I didn't want to just hit the treadmill or go for a wii run, I wanted to get out and really run. To relax as I put pavement behind me and just soar for a little bit.
Too bad that's not what running is. And, to make things worse, running on the street is NOTHING like running on a treadmill. I didn't even make it one tenth of a mile before I felt like I was dying. Then I stopped to walk, started again and made even less distance before I had to stop. I finally realized that when I run on the mill I am more small step jogging, so I waited for my heart to calm down enough that I wasn't worried I was about to die, and started again jogging. I made it a bit further and my heart was much calmer at the end, but still, I didn't make it nearly as far as I do on the treadmill.
So now, my legs hurt, I feel worse about myself then I did before I started, and I'm realizing that my dream of running in the 5k in July is a pipe dream. So now, I'm going to shower, eat dinner and go to bed.

Backslide

Today sucked. It started off with me wasting my morning, then thinking I was actually going to get an iphone for 40 bucks only to find out that the tax on the phone was an extra 40 dollars, and then I didn't get paid, still. Then I ate my frustration. I ate too much this morning because I had nothing to do for an hour or so. Then I decided to make myself a real dinner, but I also snacked around my dinner. Today would have been so much better if I had just had someone to come home and cry too, to make dinner for. I miss having people around. I also wish that I had thought to exercise my frustration away instead of eating it. I did so well in December and then let it all go in January. Well, it's February. It's time to start again. I just have to keep telling myself, a 5k in July. I want to be prepared! So here goes!

success!

I lost two lbs this week! I'm super excited about this, because I was back on track this week, but still no exercise. More than that, I'm only 2 lbs away from my 30 lbs! And I'm at 10%. It's a good day for me. Now I'm off to one job, then the other, then I'm going for a walk and then I'm going to Wii. Or maybe EA Active. Either way, today's gonna be good.

Tomorrow is gonna be a bit harder. It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I'm super excited that I have some place to go, but man is it going to be hard to eat healthy. It's the freakin' Super Bowl! But I'm going to take my own healthy snacks and do my best. Grapes and Pirate's Booty. Yup, that's how I'm gonna roll!

This morning's weigh in, 266.8.

New Trials, New Tribulations

I got a job! Yay! I now work a pretty much full week, which means no more sitting at home, eating the day away. Excellent. But with the new schedule and life style come new challenges. Eating a healthy, filling lunch when I sit and eat at my computer at work is the first one. It's been a looong time since I've packed a daily lunch and quite frankly, I never really did it in the first place. My mom did. By the time I got to Jr. High I was buying my lunch and I never really looked back. So it's a habit I have to get into, and I have to start doing right. I technically have access to a microwave, but I'm never going to have the nerve to use it, so it's refrigerates only. Which means buying ahead, planning ahead, which will be helpful in the long run, but only if I can talk myself into doing it smart.
Challenge number two is not letting myself have a daily coffee or whatnot. It's not necessary, I've never had the need for coffee, but it feels so right with going to work in the morning! Things I need to keep reminding myself of: they are empty calories, and it's expensive! I might have a new job, but I'm not suddenly swimming in cash.
Challenge number three, and here's the big one, is eating sensibly when I get home. Since I haven't been making sure I get a good, healthy lunch and a light afternoon snack, I'm starving by the time I get home, and I eat dinner. And I snack. And then I eat a bowl of cereal. I've talked myself into the "I'm home from work, I'm exhausted, I'm just gonna crash" mentality, and really, it's bull. I work for 8 hours a day, yes, but it's not mentally strenuous, like teaching, and it's not physically strenuous, I sit at a desk. It's answering phones and filing and data entry. All stuff that I can do and come home energized from. But I'm not, I'm coming home and eating and then going to bed. Which brings me to...
Challenge number four, exercise. I'm not. At all. It's dark when I get home so I'm not going for a walk, which is a bummer for both me and Plato. I tried getting up a half an hour earlier, and guess what? It's dark! We're headed for longer days, so this wont be a problem in another month, but for right now, I need to tell myself that exercise is not an option, it's a must.
So here's the plan. Healthy lunch and snack, exercise, healthy, proportioned dinner, rest, sleep. No more nights where I do nothing but watch tv. I can read. I can write. I can call up good friends and have a long chat. It'll be good for me.

In the month of January I lost 3 lbs. Not quite the 5 I was aiming for. But I'm not going to try to make it up this month, especially since it's a short month. Nope, I'm going to aim for 5, like always. I just have to get to work.

Ugh with the celebrating

So, after weeks of watching the Biggest Loser, I've realized a huge part of what I need to be doing is thinking about why I eat the way I do. It's not really the regular every day eating that gets me. It's the mad cravings for whatever and the binge eating that inevitably ensues. So what triggers these binges? Turns out, lots of things!
Last week, I was not doing the one thing I knew I needed to do, which was find a job. I wasn't even really trying, which made me feel a bit like a failure. At first, I was exercising so that I could control something, but then I didn't lose two days in a row and I went back to eating. Lessons learned: 1) don't weigh every day and 2) exercise is not a quick fix, it's a long term improvement, so don't rely on it to fix all my problems.
Second trigger: celebrating. This one I blame on my uprising, we always celebrated with food. So I went to the grocery store and bought 2 cheddar buns, some cream cheese and a bag of chips. I was NOT planning on eating it all. I feel sick. I need to come up with some other way of celebrating. I think if I had had the money I would have gone out to do something, or if I had someone to go celebrate with. But no, I stayed home and I ate. and ate. and ate.
So, I'm chalking this up to live and learn, and I start again tomorrow. Or maybe not start again, just jump back on the wagon. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to have some place to go four days a week. I'll figure out an exercise program, a better eating regiment, and for the final push, I'm going to start creating other habits for myself. I have to keep telling myself: this is not a diet, it's a life change. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. And the best part, I now have a date for my 5k, I have a hard goal. And a great support base. Here we go!
In December, I lost 11 lbs. So far in January, I've lost 3. My goal is 5. I have 30 days to lose 2 lbs.