big sigh

Today, I ate. I got off of work early, went to the grocery store, and bought guilty food. Cheddar Kaiser and Cream cheese, Cheddar Kettle Chips, and Cheese bread, and ham and cheese hotpockets. It wasn't until after I'd eaten it all that I realized the theme. And how sick I feel. My stomach feels queezy, I was totally out of breath running up the stairs, and I'm more depressed than I was before. Why did I do this to myself?

So I started thinking about what my triggers could be and realized that many of those triggers are occurring right now. Trigger 1) I'm lonely. I really want to be home with my family right now. 2) I'm feeling rejected. I basically got dumped last weekend before I ever even got to go on a date. 3) I'm stressed. I have to move at the end of the week, I have no place to live and I haven't even begun to pack. 4) I'm procrastinating. Like I said, I haven't begun to pack. 5) I feel like a failure. I missed something at work that was really important. Which meant a lady stayed in pain for three extra days. I feel awful about it, and guilty because I feel worse about looking bad at my job. Plus, I'm gaining weight. Which is horribly ridiculous because I ate because I was upset that I gained weight. That's a vicious cycle.

But never fear. I've done this before, many a time. This is the low part of the valley, which means I start my climb up to a peak. I start eating better, start actually exercising, reading Shape and watching Biggest Loser, drinking more water. How do I know this is coming, one because I've done it many a time, and two because I know the signs. I wash my sheets and take a night time shower. There is something really cleansing about going to bed completely clean. Now that I think about it, that's probably a subconscious metaphor. Anyway, the next step is obsessive list making. And then, cleaning my kitchen, my bathroom. Places that are easy to actually complete.

I'm actually looking forward to the next step. I'm tired of being in the valley. I'm ready to be in the peak. The last time, I exercised for a month straight and have never felt better. Perhaps this time I can do the same. March, you are so going to be my month!!! My goal two years ago was to be under 250 by the time I turned 25. Now my goal is to be in the 250's by the time I turn 26. It's time to start over! Again. And again if I have to.

And now, for my favorite saying, Never Give Up, Never Surrender!!!!