Starting now!

Ok, so yesterday I was going to start really focusing in to lose the last 10 pounds. But then my roommate and I went out to dinner at an awesome Irish pub where I had an Irish Cider and and Rashers and Cheese Boxti. And it was AWESOME! Waaaay too many calories but worth every one.
There was an Irish rock band, awesome Halloween costumes every where, including two in Sesame Street Alien costumes, which made me super happy. Then my roommie and I walked to the beach. It was relaxing, exactly what I needed to help me feel better about this lonely weekend.
Not quite the same as getting to hang out in LA, but still, it was pretty great.

But not for my diet. So I start today. I'm going to go grocery shopping and cook up healthy meals for the week. I will do this!

Two months left

I have two months left to lost 10 pounds. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

kfc... again

I don't know what it is about that place. I don't even like thighs and wings, and yet I ate them any way. And mashed potatoes. And gravy. And a coke, because hey, I'm already splurging. I'm so upset with myself. I'm way over my calorie count for the day and I haven't even hit dinner time yet. Not to mention the sodium intake. I'm going to be back up. I'm so afraid I'm going to see that stupid 250 again. And if that's true, then I have nobody to blame but myself.

Tomorrow is another pro-act class. They are getting Mexican delivered, and they were teasing me because I said that I was going to bring food in instead, pressuring me to just get a taco. It's hard when people are saying "you look great, you should let yourself have a treat." But that's not what I'm here for. I'm trying to lose weight, not just to look better but to be healthy. And trust me, I do not feel healthy after that damn fried chicken. It wasn't even worth it. If I was going to splurge so bad, I should have at least made it worth it.

The Gym!

Today I finally made it to the gym in the apartment complex, and it was just fine. I got on the elliptical and did 24 minutes of good strong cardio. I was sweating so I felt good about it. I had a little too much at lunch, so I made sure to eat a little less at dinner, which might back fire when I wake up at 3 am starving. And I had a carb with sodium (popcorn with sprinkle cheese) rather than protein, and I know better. But I was looking for a comfort food. What I really wanted was soup, and since I ended up eating sodium any way, I should have just done it. Then I would have been a bit more satisfied.

If I want to finish this out, if I want to get down to 235 by the end of this year, I need a meal plan, but more than that, I need to start preparing my meals ahead of time. I'm trying to get motivated by finding awesome new recipes. I found one for pumpkin soup that I'm dying to try. I think it would just be a lot easier if I had someone to try it with me. But I can't let the fact that I'm lonely keep me from succeeding. I need to do this. I can't let myself fail at this. I'm doing this for me. I need to keep this in mind.

I'm doing this for me.

50 lbs!!

I did it! I finally did it. I finally lost 50 lbs. I teared up while I was standing on that scale. I've never been more excited about an accomplishment. It might have taken me two years, but damn it, I lost 50 lbs! And I'm not stopping here. I'm no where near done. I have at least 70 lbs to go. But right now, I'm just going to enjoy my celebration. With out food :D

unexpected inspiriation

This weekend, I went out with some amazing girls and tried on bride's maids' dresses. I was measured for the first time in a very long time. My measurements are still a bit scary, but I was a solid size 20, which was nice. They had all of the dresses except one in my size, and while some of them were a bit scary, others were gorgeous.

On top of that, I put a picture of us girls in the dress and my friends have been VERY supportive of me and how I look in it. And I wasn't expecting that. It makes me feel amazing. That and the fact that I was back down to 244, that I'm close, oh so close, and if I can just be good, watch what I eat and find some time to exercise, then this could be the month that I FINALLY lose 50 lbs.

Whole wheat bagel thins and tuna are my new special meal. The whole can of tuna and one bagel thin is a total of 210 calories. And 25 g. of protein. I just have to watch the salt that I usually eat with tuna, and find some other seasoning instead.

Roller Coaster

Two days ago I had a really good day... and got up to 248.4. I felt so defeated. But I went for another good day yesterday and I was down to 246.8. So at least that's something. I also slept for about 10 hours last night, which felt amazing.
I can do this. I can be better. I can make the right decisions. I just have to let myself be hungry sometimes and not give into the binge.

End of the month

WHAT? I know it's the 11th, but it's been a month from when I started keeping track of my daily weight on my chart, as well as my meals and exercise. And all told, I've lost 5.4 lbs this month. That's not ideal, but it's also 5 lbs that I've lost. And right now I'm a bit bloated, so it's probably more than that. But I'll just let that mean that I'm going to lose even more next month.

Since I lost 5 lbs this month, my goal is to lost 10 lbs next month. I've done it before and I can do it again. I'm working on creating menus for my day so that I know what I'm going to eat rather than trying to decide in the moment. I'm also cutting out the following for the month:
Soda
Fast Food
Juice

And cutting back on:
Desserts
Chips
Coffee drinks

Thank God it's tea weather. I can drink that with some honey instead of having ice cream for dessert.

10 lbs in one month. There is NO reason I shouldn't be able to achieve this goal!!

off the wagon

On Saturday I weighed in and I was up. On Sunday I was up further, and I ate more than I should out of frustration, which means I was up even more this morning. Which means I ate more today. It's a stupid cycle. It's so unfair that it is so hard to lose it but so easy to gain it.
I should have cut myself a little slack though. This weekend I was soo stressed, got very little sleep, and I'm about to start my menses. Of course I gained weight. But instead of keeping on track, I went off the rails just a little bit. Not bad, but enough that I'm sure I'll be up just a little bit more in the morning.
If I ever see 250 again, I'm going to cry. I was back up to 247 this morning. I was ready to just give up and walk away, walk right back to greasy, salty foods. And bread. But tomorrow is a brand new day and I feel like I can't let myself just give up. I've come so far, and while yes it is hard, and yes it is taking me forever, I can't just stop now.
It's time to kick it into high gear and see what I can accomplish. For the rest of this week I need a food plan and an exercise plan, and I need to stick to it. Can I do it. We'll see...
I've adjusted my "lose it" plan to aim for losing 2 lbs a week. This way I won't feel bad when I'm so far down on the calorie scale. That was ridiculous to try to eat almost 2000 calories a day. How am I supposed to lose weight that way? So now I am aiming for fewer calories, and I'm not adding in my exercise anymore. The point of exercise is to use the calories I've packed on to my body. If I just eat them back, it's not helping me.
Well this is longer than I thought it would be.

Frustrated

Every time I eat anything near my calorie limit, I'm up the next day. I can't tell you how frustrated I am. I was soooo close to being at 50 lbs lost. .6 away. And now I'm 2.6 away. And not even because I had a total blow out, but because I ate the right amount of calories according to "loseit". So I'm not doing that anymore. I'm coming in way under every day. No more eating out at all. No more sweets, no more treats, just healthy food and exercise. No sodas. No ice cream. No fast food. Healthy cooking only. I will lose 50 lbs by the end of this week. I will lose 40 lbs this year. I'm done being fat.

So Close

I'm .6 away from having lost 50 lbs total.  That's such a huge accomplishment and I need to let myself really enjoy it.  It takes a lot of work and commitment to lose 50 lbs.  And I'm this close to being able to say: I did it.  I'm so determined to do this right, I'm so determined to get this done.  And to never go back.  I said two weeks ago that I was never going to see 250 again, and I never did.  I'm setting up realistic goals and I'm and I'm following through. 

It's October 7th.  I have 12 weeks before the end of the year.  My goal is to lose another 15 lbs, but a minimum of 10.  That would put me under 235 and at 60 lbs lost.  I think it's a realistic goal, a goal I can be very happy with.  And it sets me up nicely to get under 200 next year. 

And that's a goal I can't even imagine.  I've been over 200 lbs since my freshman year of high school.  It's enough to make me just a little tear eyed.

A Better Day

Work has totally sucked the last two days, and on top of that I've been up weight wise.  My face has broken out I've been so stressed.  But yesterday I ate well, got a decent night's sleep last night, and was really down this morning, to a nice healthy weightloss.  I then got a good review meeting with my boss, so I feel like my job is safe.  And, I actually got off of work at a decent hour today.  And it's raining.  Today feels better.

I went out to lunch with my fellow administrators today, to a comfy cozy diner.  I love diners.  I figured I had three options.  Get the dinner salad and feel deprived.  Get the sandwich I really wanted and know that I would be up tomorrow.  Or find a compromise.  So I compromised. I got a bacon avocado cheeseburger and steakfries.  And I ate exactly half.  With Water.  I feel good about the decision, and I really enjoyed the food.  Now I just need to have a healthy, low calorie dinner, a piece of Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt for dessert, and call it a day.  It would be a good day to work out, but it's raining and it's the first night I've gotten home in time to actually clean.  So maybe I'll dance a bit as I clean :D

I was right

So today is Monday, weigh-in day.  And I was right, I was up.  Not only was I up from the nice low point of 245.5 of this week, I was up from 247.8 last weigh in!  How is that possible.  How is fair that the one day I eat my full amount of calories, I gain all of the weight back.  After the day I had yesterday I really needed some good news and this was not it.  Even with running the last two days, I still couldn't lose the weight.  I'm so angry right now. 
  And I'm a bit scared.  Can it really be that the only way for me to lose weight is to eat 1200 calories a day or less?

OVER!!

I went over my calorie budget today.  I'm guessing about how much of my homemade dinner I've been eating each step of the way, but the numbers seem to be pretty accurate.  I'm going to be really mad at myself if I am up for tomorrow's weigh-in.  I don't like weighing myself on Mondays, I always go up on Weekends, even knowing that and doing my best.
  Today was just such a fail.  In life and in weight-loss.

Under Budget

Ok, I'm on the sixth day of counting calories and I have yet to reach 1500 calories.  I am supposed to eat 1,975 calories a day in order to lost 1.5 lbs a week, and yet I can't reach 1500 calories without feeling like I'm eating waaay too much.  I can't make myself eat more.  It's almost like I'm terrified to see the number on the scale go up.  I ate more today, I even feel like I ate too much, and yet, with the run, still under 1500.  By quite a bit.  The answer is of course to eat a little more.  But I already feel like I ate too much.  I just don't think I'm doing this right anymore.  And yet I don't think I can do it any other way. 

This is going well!

I hit a real rough patch the other day, and I'm still struggling a bit with a deep sadness about something that I can't fix. But it's part of the reason why I'm so dedicated and determined to change the way I look, to get healthy. I want to be a healthy person, the kind that doesn't worry about whether I can do something or not.
There was a moment over the summer when I was hiking with my friends in Big Bear. Not only was I able to keep up much better then I ever had, I was able to do something I didn't think I'd be able to do. I climbed a large rock formation. A year ago I would have passed because I knew that I couldn't do it, but this summer I was able to get past that worry and do it anyway. I want to remember that moment for the rest of my life. I want to be the kind of person who doesn't worry about being able to things, just enjoy the fact that I can.
I finally took the time to go running today. On the treadmill. I felt like I hit that perfect burn, where I wasn't breathing too hard, my legs didn't hurt, but I was sweating like you wouldn't believe. It felt great. Tomorrow I plan on attacking the hills around my brother's hills, to work the muscles, but today I was straight cardio. I've been losing, I've been on track. I want to do the best I can, so I can be the best I can be.
And while I'm still depressed about certain aspects in my life, I'm so thrilled with my progress that it evens out. And I can live with that :D