not starting over

After a four mile walk, being really good at Sea World and walking even further, I was still up almost three pounds by Saturday. And I was done. Why bother to be so good, to try so hard when I was only going to go up anyway?
This weekend, I was up at home for Easter. I did okay on Saturday, and I was down a little, but not enough to keep me from feeling frustrated. So on Sunday, we made a roast, and mashed potatoes and gravy. And I ate them. I didn't eat them in moderation, I just ate them. And I had ice cream.
At my official weigh in yesterday, I was up 1.8 lbs from the week before. And I did it to myself. I can't believe I gave up. I could have been up only a pound, and I started my period today, which means I would have been down if I just stay good.
But I'm not starting over.

I'm pushing through.

I started running again today, after a two week hiatus due to illness, and I was sure that I was going to have to go back to week two. I accidentally clicked the three week button, and I decided to just try it. After each interval, I felt like I could just keep running, so I didn't go back down to week two. I was able to run for the full last minute instead of just 30 seconds. It felt good.
I also made ground turkey breast and spinach, and added a little brown rice. I ate a serving, then put the rest into three containers for dinner the next couple of nights. I also bought carrots and hummus for lunches. As of this morning, I had seven pounds to lose before I hit a major mile-stone. I want to get as close as possible before May 1st. It's gonna be epic.

Super Frustrated

So, this week has been tricky, and I really thought I had handled it well. But apparently not. And I'm so frustrated. Wednesday, I went for a 4 mile walk and then out for sushi. I was up a lb. Then I went to Sea World and walked everywhere, ate carefully... and was up 2 more lbs. I'm back up to 257. Everyone told me: it's water weight because of all the exercise, don't worry about it, it's a blip. So I was so good yesterday. Fiberone bar for breakfast, a coffee and two servings of nuts, and some cottage cheese for dinner, a peanut butter and honey sandwich for snack, half a sushi for dinner and a little bit of froyo. Still 257. It's like I was punished for being so excited to reach 40 lbs before I had actually lost 40 lbs.
I want to give up. I was so close to my unattainable goal and now it's so far away. What's the point of being so good, of saying no to things when you are having your special day only to be up two pounds anyway? WHAT'S THE FREAKING POINT!!

Eating Out

So last night I went out to eat for first time since I began to seriously focus on getting healthy. And it was one of the hardest thing I've ever done, and here's why. I was going out with my best friend and her parents, whom I love dearly, and when I got there they said the worst words I could imagine: We're going to Chili's! Chili's and Chevy's and Denny's are on my "I'm not going there ever again if I could help it" list. I do not have the will power to turn down my favorite meals, to turn down chips and salsa, to not get sad that I will probably never have the white chocolate lava cake at Chili's. But I can't have these things. I can't let myself be near them. So I did something that took every piece of strength I had. I asked if we could go somewhere else.
If it hadn't been for the fact that these people have been truly caring and supportive of me, I wouldn't have had the strength to do it, but I had to do it for myself. It was the best thing for me. And they were so supportive, and it wasn't a big deal to them at all, but man did it give me issues. But I did it. And we went to Islands, which has a meal I know I can have and thoroughly enjoy. The Chicken wrap with bacon and cheese, but mostly lettuce. I got it with the sauce on the side, and I used very little of it, and I ate a french fry and got the rest off my plate and I had one onion ring, which was delicious, and I only needed the one. And I only had half. It wasn't so bad. I survived my first "outing".
And I lost 3.4 lbs this week. Honestly, I was .2 away from 40 lbs lost, but I called it anyway. It was close enough, and I wanted to go ahead and call it. I'm also 3.6 lbs away from 250 lbs. I have 9 days until my birthday. It would be ridiculously difficult, but I could come so close to my unrealistic goal that it makes me want to cry.
The problem is, today I did really well, and then I had a binge night. And I'm so frustrated by it. My dinner (the second half of my wrap) wasn't nearly as good tonight, and I ate some fat free sour cream and onion pringles. But I wanted more. So I put them away and went foraging for something a little more substantial in Rob's fridge... and found the remains of my Ben and Jerries in the freezer. There was maybe a 1/4 cup left, and it tasted soo good. But then I wanted more salt. And instead of getting out the chips again, I had literally a little salt. And then I was just hanging out in the kitchen, wanting more food. So I grabbed some tea and I went upstairs.
I feel bad for leaving my dog downstairs, but I had to get away from temptation. So now I'm writing this blog. And I'm looking at what I ate and I'm realizing that as long as I can keep from eating anything else, I actually got through my binge relatively unscathed.
Now to keep it going. The success, not the binge :D

CHALLENGES!!!

Ok, here goes this post of challenges. Getting to spend this weekend with my parents and brother was awesome. The food issues were not so much. I got there on Friday, we got pizza. But I was able to get my mom to share a personal pizza with me, and I only ate one piece. And loved it. But portion control! We also had steak and I had a dollop of mashed potatoes and spinach. I found out that I can thoroughly enjoy spinach with only shaved parm cheese on it. No more dressings for me! Anyway, I didn't think I had done so well (I also had an el pollo loco cheesey roll up) and yet miracles! I lost exactly two pounds. I was at 257.8. Which means that's two weigh ins at 250, which means I am officially in the 250s!! (I always weight for two weigh in's before I get too excited). I'm so stoked. Plus I have two weeks to make it to 255, which was the modified goal because losing almost 3.5 pounds four weeks in a row. I'm close, I can almost taste it.
Which leads me to the next challenge. I'm sick. Like kill me now sick. Which means two things. Lots of soup, which is high in sodium, lots of tea with honey, which shouldn't be too bad, and no running this week. Which is my worst nightmare. I had been doing so well, I was so excited. But I can't do day two or three of week three and I'm a bit pissed. But I get woozy just standing for too long. And my lungs are rejecting themselves, so I don't think running would be a good idea. Which means I was so close to making 255 but it doesn't look like I'm going to make it.
There is an up side to all this. I don't want to just throw in the towel. For the first time, I'm not hitting a snag and throwing my hands up and going aw screw it. I think I might have if I hadn't lost today, but I did and I'm not going to give up.

Weekly loss: 2 lbs
Year loss: 13.3 lbs
Total loss: 35.6 lbs

Week 2: FIN!

I can't believe that I'm already done with week 2 of my couch to five k. It's only 9 weeks long, although there are two supplementals. I have no idea what they entail, but hey. I finished. And that's what is important. When I think about how shasty I felt at the end of the first day of week two, and today I was going even longer than he was telling me, because I could. I thought I would have to do week two twice, but I'm ready to see what week three holds. I'm not going to slow down until I have to.
I've been struggling with food though. That stupid stofers lasagna had me up two pounds. I was back down one this morning, and I wanted to be back into the 250's tomorrow, but then I missed today. I was doing well all day and I had an egg and a peanut butter and honey sandwich. But then I had popcorn. I had a smartones bag of the 98% fat free or what ever, but I put some white cheddar salt on it. And I burned the crap out of it, so it didn't even taste good. And what I had really wanted was a little salt and then a little sweet. So I was craaaaaving ice cream or cookies. And I knew it would only get worse. I allowed myself one oreo and a half a glass of milk. And it was good. But I realized before my popcorn, that I was afraid to eat. I was afraid to eat anything that wasn't a nut or fruit or a vegetable. I feel so guilty about my diet popcorn and my fricking oreo. And I'm terrified of what it's going to say on the scale tomorrow. I'm working so hard, with my running and my diet. And yet I'm petrified because of a small bag of popcorn and an oreo. What the hell?
It's not how I want to live my life. Yet, I don't know how to do anything else. I can't start giving in or else it will avalanche. I need to find some sort of balance. Or at least to find a way to let go of the fear.

running

It's the same day, but such a different post, so I'm doing it separate. I started week 2 of running on Sunday. Rob went with me, and I have to say, best brother/sister activity ever. We both had our earphones in, and yet we still communicated. However, I started off trying too hard, just got swept away and I almost threw up by the end of the first jog. It was really hard from there on because not only had I over done it for the first one I also was upping my game and running for 2.5 minutes and walking for 2.5 for 5 turns instead of 4.
Rob also suggested I work on lengthening my stride, to work out my legs and save my lungs some stress. And he was right, my legs are feeling it. Today wasn't as bad, my lungs were doing just fine, but legs were definitely feeling it. But I got through it, including the extra 30 second run at the end. I'm feeling really good about my progress so far!

Can't stop smiling!!

This weekend I didn't really have a scale and I did the best I could but I was stressed and at home and I did the best I could. And then yesterday, I was so hungry and I just wanted to be full for an hour, so I ate a honey bran muffin and dark choc ice blended from coffee bean. And then at book club I had only three hunks of brie, three crackers, some carrots and hummus, and some grapes, and then we went for boba, so I was afraid that I had splurged too much and was going to be up. But I was down! And I was really down. I was down 3.6 pounds. For a total of 6.6 pounds in two weeks. I was so excited. And it kept me going. Today I did well for breakfast and lunch but I splurged on dinner. It had been such a long time since I had really sat down and eaten a meal, and I stared at my veggie lasagna every time I opened my freezer. It was only 400 calories, but it was 17 g of fat and a lot of sodium. But, it's the beginning of the week, I'll just go back to being really good and do my best to work it off. And if this lasagna is the reason I don't make my goal, then I will just have to live with it. Because it was delicious.
But I was thinking about how it would have been so much better if I had made it myself. And that's what I'm going to do next time. Now I just have to decide if I'm going to try to find a recipe or if I'm going to just wing it....

Challenge

It's funny, as I was typing that in, three previous post names with the word Challenge popped up. Hmm, I either need to get more creative, or just stop having such challenges!
Anyway, today's challenge is brought to you by the word time. I called my dad this morning to check in and see how he was doing (cause he needs support and love too) and he basically told me he could really use some extra help. I almost bounced with joy and I realized that the reason I've been so upset about this whole thing is because people keep saying they don't need me, that I should just focus on my life and they will take care of it and it will be fine. That's really hard for a girl like me to hear, I need to be needed, it's like a major defect of my personality. Anyway, Dad said he needed me and I jumped at the chance. Of course, that meant that I was leaving for work at 10, then leaving work at 310 and heading straight to Monrovia. I was starving by the time I got here, despite having a banana for lunch and a bit of sesame bread and humus for a snack. But we were going to get food as a family, so I didn't want to eat until they got home. That didn't happen. Finally I broke down and had a bowl of cereal, and then got the call that I was going to go to the hospital and spell the boys so they could grab food and off I went. So I really didn't eat a lot today, which is better than if I had broken down and gotten fast food, but I'm afraid my body is going to go into starvation mode and start holding on to weight I really want to lose.
Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early, have a banana, go for week 2 day 1 run, then have a decent breakfast. After that, I'll do my best to eat healthy as I have my day at the hospital and what not. I'm not going to let the stress and time and change in day pattern disrupt my workout/ healthy eating groove. I can't. I have to be strong or I will never make it.