giving up

I've told myself that I just freaking quit about three times today.  And I know it isn't true, I can't afford to quit, but I can't keep going this way either.  I actually cried over my scale this morning, a definite low point.  But what else can I do?  I was actually fairly close to my points over the holiday and really good the two days I was home.  My result? I was up 5 lbs.  Weight Watchers was kind enough to let me know that my average weekly loss is officially 0.  Three months of work and I have lost 0 total. 

How can someone not be completely disheartened by such results? 

I work out, I eat decent and healthy, I monitor my intake and my output.  I don't know what else I might possibly do.  And I know you can't expect immediate results, and I know that weight fluctuates, but I think at this point we can pretty much look at the graph and see that I have completely failed.  There are no reasons, no excuses.  For some reason, my body just doesn't want to give up the lbs and so I remain exactly the same. 

I know this post is a little maudlin.  But that's how I feel.  Something has to give because I can't keep fighting this hard without any thing to show for it. 

Breaking up with food.

Last night I was out at In Cahoots (line dancing bar) with a group of friends.  Lissette made the comment that people tend to talk the most about the most important relationship in their life, be it a boyfriend, a friend, school, work or whatever.  I realized that the thing I talk about the most is food.  The relationship I think about the most is my relationship with food.  Then I started joking about how food and I were in an abusive relationship, and that no matter how bad it treated me I just couldn't seem to walk away from it.

For the last 24 hours, I haven't been able to stop thinking about how that joke isn't actually funny, because it's true.  Food and I have been in an abusive relationship for most of my life.  I think about it more that I should, I can't seem to deny it no matter how crappy it makes me feel, and I definitely talk about it too much. 

But how do you break up with food?  How to turn it from something that I think about all the time to something that is merely a necessity for survival?

I had to think about food more and more in order to change how I viewed it.  Now I find that maybe I have to try to change my thinking again.  I'm just not sure how to go about it.  Something to research.

When it comes right down to it, we need to break up. It's not a good relationship and it needs to change.  It seems like something I can use.  I've survived breakups.   I wonder if it is possible to just think about it in similar ways.  For instance, when I start to get a craving for certain foods, can I just think about it the same way as I would the need to call an ex?  Something that would do me no good in the long run?  Wouldn't that be something.

Rallying against irrational thoughts

Yesterday was my weigh in day, and I actually gained weight last week.  This caused a surge of negative feeling for me the whole day.  I talked it out with a lot of people and got a lot of the words that I have said to others so often: "It's water weight from working out", "Weight fluctuates, don't let it bother you", "probably ate something salty".  And while I know these all have some kind of validity to them, it just felt like excuses.

Then I started thinking that maybe I'm on the wrong plan.  Maybe I need to find something else that will work for me.  After looking into different diet plans and life style plans I got really overwhelmed.  I've realized that a large part of it is that there are so many plans, conflicting plans at that, that I can't seem to feel good about any one choice, and trying to adhere to more than one choice would just be setting myself up to fail.  So, for right now I'm going to stick to weight watchers and up my exercise plan.  I'm also going to try to limit my gluten intake, but that's for my jaw pain more than for my diet plan.

That being said, today, I ate well within my points, and I went to the gym.  40 minutes on the elliptical (350 calories), 20 minutes walking at medium incline (75 calories) and then a 20 minute arm workout.  Definitely feels worth it today.

BLTs

So I wrote out a post about not eating any BLT's this week (bites, licks and tastes).  I was really thorough in my explanation of what that would entail and how careful I would be to write every little thing down.  And then I realized, it wasn't very do-able.  It wasn't practical.  I was setting myself up to fail.

Instead, I'm going to try to limit my BLT's this week and to set up a two point buffer every day to account for them.  This is not "well I gave myself two points so I can have this bite of fudge" this is a safety measure.  Really, the point behind the original post of absolutely no BLT's is to make myself aware of everything that I eat, every morsel, every calorie.  I find that I'm not making conscious choices and then afterward regretting it. 

I need to be an active participant in my food choices.  To think things through and figure out their points BEFORE eating them, not after.  I think that this is a very do-able goal.

up already

Today I reminded myself about why I'm not weighing in everyday.  I wanted to know how I was doing on the 4th day of my goal and I was up further than when I started.  It's so disheartening.  I know all of the science behind it.  I know that weight fluctuates and it depends on salt and exercise and body chemistry and blah blah blah, but it still feels like something must be wrong if I'm working this hard and having the opposite of success.

However, I was prepared for this (see, I'm learning from the past!).  I know that I need to just trust in the process.  I know not to give up, and more importantly, I know not to reduce my food intake in a desperate attempt to lose weight faster.

Instead, I'm going to live this day following the program.  Three major changes: up my work out by 20 minutes, eat more fruit and veggies, and of course, drink more water. 

That being said, I'm going to just keep plugging away.  I'm going to get out of the house and do things today so that I'm not tempted to just sit and eat the day away. 

Lesson learned yesterday: Calculate points of things BEFORE you eat them, not after.  My "healthy" Saturday breakfast of Eggo Pumpkin Spice waffle with peanut butter was 11 points! 

The goals

So I figured it out and I have to lose 1.5 lbs a week to meet my goal.  Not impossible.  But to give myself a  little bit of wiggle room, I set it up that I have to lose 3 lbs every 2 weeks.  Mathematically the same, but psychologically a little easier to handle. 

I've also decided against weighing myself every day.  I found that it was starting to get really discouraging.  So instead, I'm going to weigh myself on Tuesdays (my weigh-in day) and Saturday mornings to give myself extra motivation through the weekends, which are by far the hardest days for me since I'm home and tend to boredom eat.

Exercise wise, I wrote out all of the routines that I already do so that it's easier for me to pick one every day.  Then I planned out my week.  I'm going to keep looking for new routines and exercises to add to my repertoire.  I've also realized that I need to move past my "30 minutes at the gym" mentality.  30 minutes is the minimum, not the goal.  And I have the time, so I might as well use it. 

Let's face it.  I'm in a prime spot to meet my goals. I have plenty of time to work out, to cook healthy meals, and to keep track.  I have awesome parents who purchased personal training sessions for me to help me learn more effective workouts.  And I have incredibly supportive friends and family to keep me motivated.  So really, there is no reason for me to make these goals.

It's all down to me.  And I feel good about this.

2 months to go

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So today is the first of November.  I have two months to make some serious headway on my goals. Which means I need to review what my goals were, what changes need to be made, and decide what I think I can accomplish.  Most importantly, I need a plan.  I am going to make a plan for the full two months, setting goals along the way, and really plan it out.  I need to get my life on track.  And really, if there’s one thing that whole gluten free, dairy free thing taught me is that if I decide it’s important enough, I can do anything.  So I just have to decide, is this important enough? I think we all know that answer to that, I just have to commit.  So this is me.  Committing.

I do better when I'm writing about, when I have accountability partners, when I'm talking about it a lot to keep it in the forefront of my mind.  I know it has to get annoying to others, but it's the only way I can do it, so it sucks to be them.  Plus, in reality, I know my friends are all really supportive.  

So here's the plan.  I'm going to make a calendar for the next two months.  I'm going to put in goals, exercise plans, food challenges; the challenge is to remember to look at it every day.

I'm going to write in this blog, so that I can really think about where I'm at, where I'm going and remind myself of where I've been so that I don't go back.  Looking back at the post from January, my goal is to be 215 by the end of December.  Definitely attainable.  I also wanted to be a size 18, which I am and I'm in fact almost into a size 16. (I can wear them, but they are really tight!)

So tomorrow I'll write further about the plan.  This is the commitment post.  I have a lot of thinking to do.

The STATS!

Current weight: 227
Goal Weight for end of November: 220
Goal Weight for end of December: 215

Totally do-able!