Making Progress

It's funny that with all of the things that are happening, I'm finally making progress on my weight-loss goals.  I have been eating healthy and a bit under my points, I have been very good about taking my thyroid meds, and I've been doing really well in my exercise.  All that said, I'm back down to 221.  I still don't have any illusions that I'll be able to make my original goal of 215 by the end of the year, but I am hoping to FINALLY see 219.  220 has been my arch nemesis for too long.

I'm also battling a cold.  That doesn't make it easier, especially when it comes to exercise.  I'm supposed to do cardio today, I think I'll simply go for a long walk.  At my personal training yesterday we figured out that my Target Heart Rate is 124.  I go over that by a lot when I run.  So maybe a good long walk will be just what the body ordered, who knows. 

That being said, today's focus is on filling out lots and lots of forms for employment.  yay....

Making Lemonade

I was let go from my job on Friday. Usually I would let this send me into a spiral, use it as an excuse to eat whatever I want and just tell everyone I'm really stressed.  You have to love a legitimate excuse.  Only, I'm not taking that route.  I don't know why, but I don't even feel compelled to take that road.  Instead, I woke up this morning, emailed my old boss about coming by to get the rest of my things, called my old, old HR manager about continuing my health insurance, went to the gym and FINALLY completed the latest in my couch to 5k (20 minute jog!).  I'm going to apply to three jobs before the end of today, go to yoga, and email my old professors about recommendations for the credential program.  I have a plan, I have support, I have a mysteriously good outlook on the coming future. 

I'm probably going to be using this blog to write up my job hunt as well as my weight and exercise goals.  It's all tied in together I think.  The more I exercise, the better I will feel about myself, the better chance I have of landing a job.  I have the time, so I'm going to use it. 

So it all begins... now.

giving up

I've told myself that I just freaking quit about three times today.  And I know it isn't true, I can't afford to quit, but I can't keep going this way either.  I actually cried over my scale this morning, a definite low point.  But what else can I do?  I was actually fairly close to my points over the holiday and really good the two days I was home.  My result? I was up 5 lbs.  Weight Watchers was kind enough to let me know that my average weekly loss is officially 0.  Three months of work and I have lost 0 total. 

How can someone not be completely disheartened by such results? 

I work out, I eat decent and healthy, I monitor my intake and my output.  I don't know what else I might possibly do.  And I know you can't expect immediate results, and I know that weight fluctuates, but I think at this point we can pretty much look at the graph and see that I have completely failed.  There are no reasons, no excuses.  For some reason, my body just doesn't want to give up the lbs and so I remain exactly the same. 

I know this post is a little maudlin.  But that's how I feel.  Something has to give because I can't keep fighting this hard without any thing to show for it. 

Breaking up with food.

Last night I was out at In Cahoots (line dancing bar) with a group of friends.  Lissette made the comment that people tend to talk the most about the most important relationship in their life, be it a boyfriend, a friend, school, work or whatever.  I realized that the thing I talk about the most is food.  The relationship I think about the most is my relationship with food.  Then I started joking about how food and I were in an abusive relationship, and that no matter how bad it treated me I just couldn't seem to walk away from it.

For the last 24 hours, I haven't been able to stop thinking about how that joke isn't actually funny, because it's true.  Food and I have been in an abusive relationship for most of my life.  I think about it more that I should, I can't seem to deny it no matter how crappy it makes me feel, and I definitely talk about it too much. 

But how do you break up with food?  How to turn it from something that I think about all the time to something that is merely a necessity for survival?

I had to think about food more and more in order to change how I viewed it.  Now I find that maybe I have to try to change my thinking again.  I'm just not sure how to go about it.  Something to research.

When it comes right down to it, we need to break up. It's not a good relationship and it needs to change.  It seems like something I can use.  I've survived breakups.   I wonder if it is possible to just think about it in similar ways.  For instance, when I start to get a craving for certain foods, can I just think about it the same way as I would the need to call an ex?  Something that would do me no good in the long run?  Wouldn't that be something.

Rallying against irrational thoughts

Yesterday was my weigh in day, and I actually gained weight last week.  This caused a surge of negative feeling for me the whole day.  I talked it out with a lot of people and got a lot of the words that I have said to others so often: "It's water weight from working out", "Weight fluctuates, don't let it bother you", "probably ate something salty".  And while I know these all have some kind of validity to them, it just felt like excuses.

Then I started thinking that maybe I'm on the wrong plan.  Maybe I need to find something else that will work for me.  After looking into different diet plans and life style plans I got really overwhelmed.  I've realized that a large part of it is that there are so many plans, conflicting plans at that, that I can't seem to feel good about any one choice, and trying to adhere to more than one choice would just be setting myself up to fail.  So, for right now I'm going to stick to weight watchers and up my exercise plan.  I'm also going to try to limit my gluten intake, but that's for my jaw pain more than for my diet plan.

That being said, today, I ate well within my points, and I went to the gym.  40 minutes on the elliptical (350 calories), 20 minutes walking at medium incline (75 calories) and then a 20 minute arm workout.  Definitely feels worth it today.

BLTs

So I wrote out a post about not eating any BLT's this week (bites, licks and tastes).  I was really thorough in my explanation of what that would entail and how careful I would be to write every little thing down.  And then I realized, it wasn't very do-able.  It wasn't practical.  I was setting myself up to fail.

Instead, I'm going to try to limit my BLT's this week and to set up a two point buffer every day to account for them.  This is not "well I gave myself two points so I can have this bite of fudge" this is a safety measure.  Really, the point behind the original post of absolutely no BLT's is to make myself aware of everything that I eat, every morsel, every calorie.  I find that I'm not making conscious choices and then afterward regretting it. 

I need to be an active participant in my food choices.  To think things through and figure out their points BEFORE eating them, not after.  I think that this is a very do-able goal.

up already

Today I reminded myself about why I'm not weighing in everyday.  I wanted to know how I was doing on the 4th day of my goal and I was up further than when I started.  It's so disheartening.  I know all of the science behind it.  I know that weight fluctuates and it depends on salt and exercise and body chemistry and blah blah blah, but it still feels like something must be wrong if I'm working this hard and having the opposite of success.

However, I was prepared for this (see, I'm learning from the past!).  I know that I need to just trust in the process.  I know not to give up, and more importantly, I know not to reduce my food intake in a desperate attempt to lose weight faster.

Instead, I'm going to live this day following the program.  Three major changes: up my work out by 20 minutes, eat more fruit and veggies, and of course, drink more water. 

That being said, I'm going to just keep plugging away.  I'm going to get out of the house and do things today so that I'm not tempted to just sit and eat the day away. 

Lesson learned yesterday: Calculate points of things BEFORE you eat them, not after.  My "healthy" Saturday breakfast of Eggo Pumpkin Spice waffle with peanut butter was 11 points!