Ah HA!

I finally found the one emotion that does not make me want to eat! Indecision! I stressed all day about my living situation, rather to take the safe place that I wasn't excited about but had to take today or risk a place I haven't seen but am really excited about that might not work out. I barely ate all day. I had a bagel for breakfast, crackers and cream cheese for lunch and a bowl of cereal for dinner. If only it hasn't all been carbs, I think I would feel pretty good about today. Especially since I feel at peace about letting the safe place go, I'm really hoping that I can actually sleep tonight. I have to say, so far I'm not really tired, despite being up since 4 this morning.
All I can do is hope that everything works out in a positive way. And that I don't eat y way through the next couple of weeks as I try to move and start my life anew. Again. Tomorrow starts March. I took a walk today, trying to get into the mindset of what I'm calling my March Mission. Or maybe March into Less? March Blitzkrieg? I'll come up with a name.

Today I was reminded about why I love Panera, and why I should never ever go there. I've never been there for breakfast before and I now that I have, I'm almost a bit screwed. Ham and Swiss Souffle, incredible. Cinnamon Crunch bagel, amazing. All made better by the absolute fabulous company I was with. But between all of the bread from my bottom of the valley day, my pizza last night and the bread this morning, my stomach is all angry and I'm up.
Work got canceled today, so I'm cozying down and watching some tv, really relaxing. Maybe get some laundry done. Plus, I don't feel quite so bad about my eating day because it turns out I'm female and we all get one day a month to eat, and I didn't even know mine was here. But helps with the guilt a little bit. Add to that the fact that I finally talked to my brother a bit and drastically reduced my stress level. Yeah, despite the amazing bread, I'm definitely on my way back up.
I'm so happy it's raining.

big sigh

Today, I ate. I got off of work early, went to the grocery store, and bought guilty food. Cheddar Kaiser and Cream cheese, Cheddar Kettle Chips, and Cheese bread, and ham and cheese hotpockets. It wasn't until after I'd eaten it all that I realized the theme. And how sick I feel. My stomach feels queezy, I was totally out of breath running up the stairs, and I'm more depressed than I was before. Why did I do this to myself?

So I started thinking about what my triggers could be and realized that many of those triggers are occurring right now. Trigger 1) I'm lonely. I really want to be home with my family right now. 2) I'm feeling rejected. I basically got dumped last weekend before I ever even got to go on a date. 3) I'm stressed. I have to move at the end of the week, I have no place to live and I haven't even begun to pack. 4) I'm procrastinating. Like I said, I haven't begun to pack. 5) I feel like a failure. I missed something at work that was really important. Which meant a lady stayed in pain for three extra days. I feel awful about it, and guilty because I feel worse about looking bad at my job. Plus, I'm gaining weight. Which is horribly ridiculous because I ate because I was upset that I gained weight. That's a vicious cycle.

But never fear. I've done this before, many a time. This is the low part of the valley, which means I start my climb up to a peak. I start eating better, start actually exercising, reading Shape and watching Biggest Loser, drinking more water. How do I know this is coming, one because I've done it many a time, and two because I know the signs. I wash my sheets and take a night time shower. There is something really cleansing about going to bed completely clean. Now that I think about it, that's probably a subconscious metaphor. Anyway, the next step is obsessive list making. And then, cleaning my kitchen, my bathroom. Places that are easy to actually complete.

I'm actually looking forward to the next step. I'm tired of being in the valley. I'm ready to be in the peak. The last time, I exercised for a month straight and have never felt better. Perhaps this time I can do the same. March, you are so going to be my month!!! My goal two years ago was to be under 250 by the time I turned 25. Now my goal is to be in the 250's by the time I turn 26. It's time to start over! Again. And again if I have to.

And now, for my favorite saying, Never Give Up, Never Surrender!!!!

And once again...

... I start over. Yesterday I went out to lunch and to dinner, today I went out with my mom to coffee twice and decided to sooth my incredibly low self esteem with some chips. Turns out, I had the serving and then was done, which actually feels good. And then I thought "I should work out" but I needed to search for a place to live and now I need to do some work for my boss on his website, trying to get it networked so it can be more popular. I can't afford to not do it, it's been a week, but I'm starting to think I'm in over my head. But then, that's a different blog.
So anyway, I'm back up, and this morning, I saw that dreaded 7 instead of a 6, and damn if I'm going to let that happen. It's back to work in the morning. So I've decided I need to plan even better. Breakfast is Special K cereal, lunch is a turkey sandwich, a serving of pistachio's, a baggie of carrots. Dinner is LC whatever I want. M, T, Th and S I will do at least 30 minutes of exercise. WiiFit if nothing else, I just need to move. My goal is to be back to 265 by the end of the month. At least then I wont feel as if I failed so utterly in the month of February. But then, that too is for a different blog.

Getting back on track (finally!)

I haven't been good for the past couple of weeks. I keep saying I'm going to be and all that, but I haven't. This hit a peak this weekend when I went out for real Italian food on Saturday and then ate my way through Sunday: Bacon and eggs for breakfast, a hotdog and fries at Fuddruckers for lunch, boba, a grilled cheese and pulled pork sandwich with sweet potato fries, a half of pancake wrapped piece of red velvet cake with cream cheese and a third of a chocolate chip bread pudding ( I have NO regrets :D) But when I got on the scale I was up about 3 lbs and just super grateful that I was still in the 260s and not back up into the 270s. So this week (all two days of it) I've finally gotten back into control. I've been packing my lunch for work, eating a sensible breakfast and a sensible dinner. I've already lost 2 of the three lbs. Which makes me feel like my body is just yearning for my to be good so it can lose weight. And after years of abuse, I feel I owe it to my body to do what it wants for a change.
So, on top of continuing to eat well, adding back in fruit and veggies that I had strayed away from and stopping eating so much bread and cheese, I'm also going to start exercising again. I'm going to start with my WiiFit, because let's be honest, it's less daunting and I need to get started again. But then I'm going to do the 30 day challenge, maybe use some of my videos (I actually do like the exercise videos). I have enough time in the day if I stop watching quite so much tv, if I don't let myself get sucked into a book right when I get home. So I'm pulling out my secret weapon that I totally forgot about: my radio. If I have music on, I don't need to turn the tv on or pick up a book for company, and with music on I can still do other things, like exercise. Or laundry. Or clean my kitchen.
I have to do it now while I'm motivated. And I'm super motivated, because I just put on a pair of jeans that I couldn't button a couple of months ago. And while they are a bit tight, I'm gonna wear them anyway!!

Finally, a down day.

Since I started work, I've been running full force and then crashing, running full force, then crashing. I've been super organized at work, but not so much in my life. Most of my days off I ended up working at least a little, or having awesome plans. I've been living the life I wanted to live, if a little lonelier, but I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been eating whatever (yesterday I even had McDonald's for lunch, which was gross and I'm not doing again) and I haven't been exercising except for one pathetic attempt at running. I haven't been keeping my house clean nor have I taken the time to create a budget now that I have some money to budget with.
That changed today. This morning I slept in, which was nice, then I got up and cleaned my house, did dishes and took out trash, did some laundry, and later I'll fold laundry and pick up my room, maybe even organize my papers and perhaps do my taxes! I'm also going to take today to really budget out my finances, and then plan this weeks meals before I go grocery shopping with a list. It's time to take charge of my life again, stop just running around and take a minute to get organized. Part of that was taking the time to write this blog. Normally I just write this stuff down on random pieces of paper and then throw them away, but what's the point of having a blog if I don't use it, right? So next on my agenda is budget, this weeks to do list, then take Rob's money to his bank, then work, then come back and finish tidying and cleaning and organizing. I'm also going to do at least 30 minutes of exercise today.
It's a gorgeous Saturday. I'm going to enjoy it for all it's worth!

Well THAT's embarassing.

So lately I haven't been exercising and once again running is starting to play a big part of my dreams. Tonight, after a long day of work, I started to feel like I needed to go for a run. But I didn't want to just hit the treadmill or go for a wii run, I wanted to get out and really run. To relax as I put pavement behind me and just soar for a little bit.
Too bad that's not what running is. And, to make things worse, running on the street is NOTHING like running on a treadmill. I didn't even make it one tenth of a mile before I felt like I was dying. Then I stopped to walk, started again and made even less distance before I had to stop. I finally realized that when I run on the mill I am more small step jogging, so I waited for my heart to calm down enough that I wasn't worried I was about to die, and started again jogging. I made it a bit further and my heart was much calmer at the end, but still, I didn't make it nearly as far as I do on the treadmill.
So now, my legs hurt, I feel worse about myself then I did before I started, and I'm realizing that my dream of running in the 5k in July is a pipe dream. So now, I'm going to shower, eat dinner and go to bed.

Backslide

Today sucked. It started off with me wasting my morning, then thinking I was actually going to get an iphone for 40 bucks only to find out that the tax on the phone was an extra 40 dollars, and then I didn't get paid, still. Then I ate my frustration. I ate too much this morning because I had nothing to do for an hour or so. Then I decided to make myself a real dinner, but I also snacked around my dinner. Today would have been so much better if I had just had someone to come home and cry too, to make dinner for. I miss having people around. I also wish that I had thought to exercise my frustration away instead of eating it. I did so well in December and then let it all go in January. Well, it's February. It's time to start again. I just have to keep telling myself, a 5k in July. I want to be prepared! So here goes!

success!

I lost two lbs this week! I'm super excited about this, because I was back on track this week, but still no exercise. More than that, I'm only 2 lbs away from my 30 lbs! And I'm at 10%. It's a good day for me. Now I'm off to one job, then the other, then I'm going for a walk and then I'm going to Wii. Or maybe EA Active. Either way, today's gonna be good.

Tomorrow is gonna be a bit harder. It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I'm super excited that I have some place to go, but man is it going to be hard to eat healthy. It's the freakin' Super Bowl! But I'm going to take my own healthy snacks and do my best. Grapes and Pirate's Booty. Yup, that's how I'm gonna roll!

This morning's weigh in, 266.8.

New Trials, New Tribulations

I got a job! Yay! I now work a pretty much full week, which means no more sitting at home, eating the day away. Excellent. But with the new schedule and life style come new challenges. Eating a healthy, filling lunch when I sit and eat at my computer at work is the first one. It's been a looong time since I've packed a daily lunch and quite frankly, I never really did it in the first place. My mom did. By the time I got to Jr. High I was buying my lunch and I never really looked back. So it's a habit I have to get into, and I have to start doing right. I technically have access to a microwave, but I'm never going to have the nerve to use it, so it's refrigerates only. Which means buying ahead, planning ahead, which will be helpful in the long run, but only if I can talk myself into doing it smart.
Challenge number two is not letting myself have a daily coffee or whatnot. It's not necessary, I've never had the need for coffee, but it feels so right with going to work in the morning! Things I need to keep reminding myself of: they are empty calories, and it's expensive! I might have a new job, but I'm not suddenly swimming in cash.
Challenge number three, and here's the big one, is eating sensibly when I get home. Since I haven't been making sure I get a good, healthy lunch and a light afternoon snack, I'm starving by the time I get home, and I eat dinner. And I snack. And then I eat a bowl of cereal. I've talked myself into the "I'm home from work, I'm exhausted, I'm just gonna crash" mentality, and really, it's bull. I work for 8 hours a day, yes, but it's not mentally strenuous, like teaching, and it's not physically strenuous, I sit at a desk. It's answering phones and filing and data entry. All stuff that I can do and come home energized from. But I'm not, I'm coming home and eating and then going to bed. Which brings me to...
Challenge number four, exercise. I'm not. At all. It's dark when I get home so I'm not going for a walk, which is a bummer for both me and Plato. I tried getting up a half an hour earlier, and guess what? It's dark! We're headed for longer days, so this wont be a problem in another month, but for right now, I need to tell myself that exercise is not an option, it's a must.
So here's the plan. Healthy lunch and snack, exercise, healthy, proportioned dinner, rest, sleep. No more nights where I do nothing but watch tv. I can read. I can write. I can call up good friends and have a long chat. It'll be good for me.

In the month of January I lost 3 lbs. Not quite the 5 I was aiming for. But I'm not going to try to make it up this month, especially since it's a short month. Nope, I'm going to aim for 5, like always. I just have to get to work.